Pieces of the Sky

Abigail Dianne Sullivan

2011-11-18T08:20:00.005-06:00

Remember this?

Well, it's a little late announcement, but SHE'S HERE! And my oh my, is she ever precious! She is beautiful and makes ridiculously adorable expressions. Guess I'll just let you see for yourself!

What a blessing from God! She is perfect in every way. By the way, I'm sure some of you will wonder what all the wires are. She had some blood sugar issues at birth and a possible respiratory infection, so she was in the NICU for 10 days. It was hard for her mom and dad, but all is well now. And let me take this moment to thank you for praying for this little pumpkin throughout the pregnancy months. She is beautiful and so very loved!

Peace of Christ to you,

Because You Don't Get Strong Pieces From a Weak Whole

2011-10-31T10:11:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine posted a link to a commentary over the Super Proverbs 31 Woman. You know, the girl most of us can't stand because she makes us look pathetic. That one.

But actually, the more I study "her," I realize that this may be a description of multiple women and simply the characteristics all combined that make up the "ideal" woman. Because really, is there any way that one single woman can really have ALL that? Probably not.

Anyway, that's beside the point. My real point is something else--something I noticed that I'd never connected before with this woman. Here's a snip from the site:

"She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." We get a picture of a woman who vigorously goes about her duties. She keeps herself healthy and strong by proper health practices — good diet, adequate rest and exercise. Many people depend on her.

Never before had I given much thought to what this truly means: that her arms are strong for her tasks. I think this commentary nails it; she can only be strong if she's healthy. Why have I not connected this before? I have a lot of tasks, but am I strong for them?

So many things are demanded of us women. Children are demanding. Our jobs are demanding. Our relationships are demanding. It seems that everything and everyone wants some small--albeit exhausting at times--piece of us. I don't know about you, but my pieces are pretty weak when my whole is not well cared for. For starters, I have a horrible habit of not eating all day. I get up in the morning and run on nothing but coffee. All day. You can imagine that I crash pretty quickly. So what do I do? Refill that bad boy with more caffeine, of course--what else? I'm left with minimal energy to invest in all the areas required of me. My kids don't get a very focused mom. I'm shaky and sometimes fidgety. (I probably look like I'm on some really good stuff!) I stay hungry, but I ignore it and then wonder why I have no energy. I know that I probably sound pretty insane right now, but this is truly where I land most days. I share all of this because I feel that God is on the brink of redeeming this in me--to slowly cultivate me into this highly sought after woman. Or at least into being a few steps closer to her anyway.

Because my family needs me and needs much of me, I am committing to push toward better health. I'm anxious to see how this plays a role in transforming even my heart!
Peace of Christ to you,

Preggo Surprise Party (that I forgot to post)

2011-08-04T22:47:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I never posted these pictures, but a while back we threw a surprise "YAY! You're Expecting!" party for our dear friends, Gwen and John! Here's how the afternoon went:

Having no idea what is going on here:

Here's the look when she saw...

THIS!

Daddy-to-be was surprised too!

We did a C-section on the cake!

Played a couple of fun prediction games:

My preggies and me:

Wait...did you notice that I said preggIES? Mmhmm. Tera on the left planned this entire party with me for a month and then waited til the end of the party to nonchalantly say: "You probably wouldn't be surprised if I told you I was pregnant, too." It took me a couple of seconds to realize what she had just told us! Yep! And how insane is it that her due date is the day before Gwen's?!

Happy preggo to my two best girl friends!

Looking forward to meeting these two sweet little bits, which by the way are a girl for Gwen and John and boy for Tera and Trav! :)

Peace of Christ to you,

Happy First Birthday, Caleb!

2011-08-02T09:43:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days that I clearly told myself would not happen and, if indeed it did happen, it wouldn't be emotional for me.

Today is Caleb's first birthday.

It's a little hard to put into words, really, but the realization that it's been a year since this little guy came into our family and drastically changed so much of what I thought I knew...well, it makes me a wee bit emotional! It took me so long to fully connect, to engage with him, that it feels like a shock that he could seriously be one year old already. With my first two, it didn't hit me this way because I had connected with them from the moment they were born--and really, before that. I was expecting them, I was anticipating their addition to our family. The moment their scrunched up faces were placed on my chest, I was sold. I was taken.

I hate to admit it, but Caleb was different. To begin with, he wasn't placed on my chest. Ever. At least not in the same way. The only touch at all that he felt from me for the first twelve hours was a hurried, shallow peck on his miniature cheek. And I was terrified to do even that. I held such an ocean of guilt for not being able to keep him inside longer where maybe he would've been safer. And then I know that maybe he wouldn't have been. Either way, it felt nearly impossible to fully enjoy his arrival.

And then it just went downhill from there. But I believe God has healed me emotionally as well as physically, and today he is purely a delight. I look at him and can't believe I was ever doubtful of this! I've mentioned before that I'm normally one of these who is skeptical of some illnesses such as postpartum depression, etc. The past year has certainly changed my mind on this since it was brought directly to my front door. In fact, it was the house guest who didn't leave for months on end.

Now I get it. It's real. It's crippling and equally dangerous for every family member involved. I so deeply regret the strain it put on my husband, the confusion and tension I know it added to Keagan and Kate. But I know they are resilient and young, so they'll likely not carry those moments with them into the future. I pray that our future only becomes brighter as we continue rebuilding and strengthening our family. It's so good to be back, and my husband often looks at me and says the same: "It's so nice to have you back."

I know there are some great husbands out there, but no one will truly know just how remarkable mine is like I do because he took on so much more of a load than I can even share here. I was digging through my scrapping box the other day and I found the stapled together sign-in sheets of Caleb's NICU stay. I didn't count the entries of his name, but believe me--there are a LOT. He was there every moment he could be.

So today we have this toothy little grin-ball to dote over and say, "Happy Birthday" to. And my heart is happy in the mix. The tears are sown from seeds of joy--not just sadness--that he's growing up! There's such joy that we get to have his first birthday, that God kept him safe and brought him home to us!

So, Happy Birthday, Caleb! What a precious joy your presence is in our family! Now if we can just get you to stop sounding like a pterodactyl with your LOUD screeching, squawking, ear-piercing screams. Ahem...We love you anyway, of course!
Peace of Christ to you,

Dancing with a Plastic Cup

2011-07-13T13:21:00.003-05:00

A girl and a boy--my girl and my boy--run shoeless on rain-bent grass and squeal in the thundery wash. The plan was to nap, but who can resist this temptation to turn our faces toward the smokey sky and let the water wash our brows, our noses, and cheeks? Not us, not in the middle of summer when even our bodies plead for this drink.

No toys are needed out here--just a couple of plastic cups to catch the treasure. And today it is treasure, like finding gold. I sit and I wonder if life can really be this simple...if we can really be this delighted in something as simple as rain.

Today we can and we are.

The cups are filled to the brim and so is my heart. Because I see how He meant us to feel when He sends such a joy straight down from His hands. It's simple--no technology is required to feel this gratefulness. The television can't recreate the rain's sound, the smell, the rush of cool on our faces. A social networking program can express that it's raining, but we can't experience it until we peek our toes out from under the porch and wash them in the spilling from eaves.

A reason I love days like these is that I feel more akin to our sisters, brothers from centuries ago when rain blessed their days more than a piece of technology, or a program on the television, or a case on the news. Livelihood flowed from those drops; it meant they would eat, they would drink, they would live. We only "enjoy" it in moderation, but the dependence on it is not ours to grasp.

Of course, I'm thankful for our gadgets and devices and industrialization and how I can twist a knob to draw steaming water that eases my sore muscles. But I do love these simple days where I wonder if I can begin to comprehend the joy and appreciate the dance God's people did when He sent from His hand such a blessing as this--the blessing that was life itself.

Yes, my heart is filled to the brim as I watch my little joys with bare toes as they dance with plastic cups, collecting His gift of fresh, simple, life.

Peace of Christ to you,

Sweet Potatoes

2011-06-25T23:21:00.003-05:00

I pluck the gold-tinted can of sweet potatoes from the shelf labeled "$.94" and I think of that paper on the counter with the little boy holding a sweet potato...

I shuffle through aisles, weave through baskets, and reach my hand to take what will be mine, mine and my children's and my husband's for the week. Just for the week. The numbers are $99.89 and relief consumes since I've conquered my budget for the week. Just for the week. Waiting to pay behind me are impatient, annoyed faces. We wait, though we feel we shouldn't. I think of the boy. How long does he wait? The fans feet above me bathe myself in a chill. Do I dare begrudge them when others so far away have no chance to be uncomfortably cold?

I had left it on the counter for a day; the pull toward his smile, his black, glistening eyes nearly magnetic. The numbers were $38 for this food and for tools to tend it and for supplies to grow it.

Hours went by and budgets were planned, and those shiny black eyes slipped silently into the trash can. And my heart is broken at my lack of faith, my selfish "I wish I had" 's. And I know I will forget this and yet again be one who complains of too much air or a meal I'm not in the mood for--but I pray that God keeps my heart soft, that when precious faces who need things that I haul away come to mind or mailbox, I will see my own chocolate brown-eyed boy on that page and say yes.
Peace of Christ to you,

This Is How It Should Be

2011-06-13T14:55:00.002-05:00

I sit with only the gentle in and outs of their breathing down the hall. They rest and I work.

This is how it should be.

I feel like I was away for so long, missing these tiny wonders of deep, slumber breathing; the dipping of toes in fresh, blue waters; ice cream sandwiched noses; glass jarred fireflies; princess story times; towers tumbling on the rug; snuggles under fluff.

This is how it should be.

The dog's tongue covers chin to forehead on the baby and he squeals. The oldest makes gibberish noises in the baby's face since only he can squeeze out those giggles. The rocking chair sighs with each peak and fall as the rain spills from the eaves and sprinkles my face. My God is near, in the sudden flooding of cool, in the smothering of heat on the smoking, burnt ground. He reminds me that He always has been near and that I have needed Him all along--that I need Him still now. I call the names of the blessings He's dressed me with, starting with those three joy-makers and all their dimples. I have been recaptured by love itself, and this is how it should be.

Peace of Christ to you,

The Hoppin' Bobbin

2011-04-30T22:52:00.003-05:00

My amazingly talented husband made something for me that I want to share: my very own Landing Page! Click the link and see what you think! At the top you'll find links to my Etsy shop, but it doesn't seem to automatically show ALL the bags I've made right there. So, scroll down below the pictures that pop up and click on MY ETSY. It'll take you to see everything I have posted right now. Sewing has been so calming to me recently, and I can't seem to stop. So, if you are looking for a new purse or tote bag, see what I've got. I also will custom make one if you'd prefer.

Thanks for hopping over to my new page! It's called The Hoppin' Bobbin. My husband designed the page with a photo he took of the thread loaded on my sewing machine! He's pretty handy to have around!

Peace of Christ to you,

More bags on Etsy:

2011-04-28T13:52:00.001-05:00

I posted a couple more bags on Etsy and wanted to share the links to them:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/73072562/canvas-blue-flowers-and-plaid-purse?fref=fb_itemlist

http://www.etsy.com/listing/73073390/sassy-evening-bag?fref=fb_itemlist

Thanks for checking them out! Message me if you're interested!
Peace of Christ to you,

Etsy is Open

2011-04-25T15:28:00.004-05:00

I opened an Etsy shop and will be adding lots of different items very soon. I custom make items from messenger bags, tote bags, baby blankets, curtains, shower curtains, pillows, etc.

Here is my first posted item:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/72865746/kaleidoscope-messenger-bag?fref=fb_itemlist

Check it out and let me know if I can custom make something for YOU!

Peace of Christ to you,

Two Rear Ends

2011-04-15T19:15:00.003-05:00

I'm definitely not doing a great job with blogging so far this year! I've been doing the usual--taking care of three great kids, shouting at soccer games, beaming with pride when Keagan nails both hits in t-ball, grading papers, cycling through laundry...you know--the usual.

One fun thing I just did that I wanted to share is that I made my first home made skirt! I'm also going to make a little one for Kate to be my twinkie. She's already excited about it!

I also had a car wreck last Saturday. Not my fault, thankfully. I was rear ended. Again. What exactly is the deal with me being rear ended in the month of April?! Last time this happened to me it was April of 2005. And if you know me, I'm paranoid enough as it is in a car. Didn't exactly need any help there. But anyway...our car was totaled. I had that thing for 10 years, and it was such a good car. I got it for high school graduation.

Anyway, here's a pic of the skirt I made. Other than that, I don't know much else!

Side note: I had been planning on taking pics of my rear ended car, and I've instead uploaded a pic of just my rear end! LOL!

Peace of Christ to you,

He is Able

2011-04-07T12:03:00.002-05:00

Today I feel that He is near. And this is refreshing, because I honestly went through a time frame where I did not.

With my friend being pregnant, it's been sort of a pseudo pregnancy for me, which is FUN. No, really, it is kind of funny! We have synchronized nausea bouts, and I've been ridiculously tired along with her. (Don't worry--I'm really not pregnant.)

Last night while she was going to the emergency room with bleeding--and I didn't hear my phone, so I didn't know--I was having a peculiar dream about my daughter. To back up: When I was a few weeks pregnant with Kate, I experienced what the doctor called a "threatened miscarriage" and called this very friend to come over and watch Keagan while we went to the ER. Obviously, Kate turned out perfect and is my spunky three year old now. Well, I was dreaming that something happened to her and she was all of a sudden mentally retarded. I don't know what caused it, but the doctors were telling me that she would be this way forever and there was nothing that could be done. I wouldn't believe them, and I kept praying against this in my dream. It does get a bit muddy toward the end, but I remember that she turned out fine.

Just like when I was pregnant with her.

The dream was so thick, so real and hanging over me when I woke up this morning. In just a few minutes, I heard my phone and checked it, finding my friend's message from 3 am. I know this may sound insane, but I feel like me praying in my dream was me praying for my friend when she needed it but couldn't reach me. And the message of hope that I'm so aware of today is that He took care of my Kate when I wasn't sure if He would.

I've always known that He could; I just didn't know if He would.

My friend was released this morning with the same diagnosis: "threatened miscarriage" that I received with Kate. I truly know how her mind is still reeling, how her heart stopped in those moments. I know the flood of relief she certainly felt when she saw the tiny fluttering heart on the ultrasound monitor. And I know the desperation in the pleas to our Father.

That God has allowed me to experience so much of this pregnancy with her so far is amazing. (And it's only fitting that "Our God is an Awesome God" is playing via Pandora on my television right now.) I love seeing evidences of God, especially in ways that are not easily explained away. Like I said, I may sound crazy, but I feel like I have a new understanding of when scripture talks about the Spirit interceding for us when we cannot.

He is able. Will you pray with me that He will bring protection, health, rest, peace, assurance, wholeness?
Peace of Christ to you,

Shouting From The Rooftops!

2011-03-22T10:01:00.004-05:00

Since it's been a while since I last wrote, I'll come back with a BANG!

I can't believe I can finally say, no SHOUT, this:
My best girl friend, Gwen, is going to be a mommy!!!!!!

Just when I began to wonder if God really does hear certain prayers and if He honestly cares or not, He answered the biggest one I've had for years! With this, hope has been renewed and my faith strengthened. Especially in the past few months, my prayers for this have been deeper, longer, more passionate, and honestly, sometimes...painful. I cannot even fathom the ride from her perspective. If it's this joyous on my end, then WOW.

And God even had some fun with me on this one, too. One morning I woke up feeling very nauseous. If you've had morning sickness, it's unmistakable! That is just what I felt, and I thought: "Well, I'm not pregnant, so who is?!" After a few hours, it went away and I was perfectly fine. Almost instantly after that, I heard a knock on my front door, with my dear friend, Gwen, looking through the glass. I don't know how, but nothing crossed my mind as odd yet. A few minutes later, my husband came home for lunch. Gwen sat on the couch, chatting with me and texting someone. Pretty soon, in walked her husband, John. And the genius that I am STILL did not anticipate what was coming!

After a while, I was showing her some washing soda in the hallway, and she very calmly said, "Oh and I wanted to ask if we were still good on that shower thing?" My eye brows narrowed, to which she clarified, "Baby shower." "For YOU?" I gasped. Her nod was the most amazing thing I had seen, think! I didn't realize how hard I was hugging her until she croaked, "I can't breathe!" Meanwhile, John was sharing the incredible news with my husband in the living room.

And since then, I've been on cloud nine...probably higher! What a long awaited answer to prayer. My heart just keeps swelling with praise and adoration of God because He really is there, and He really does answer...and not a moment too soon or too late.

What stream in the desert for my sweet friend.

I know that God is good no matter what, even when our desires are not fulfilled. But the hope and the joy that this incredible gift is just cannot be contained. I know that it was not my prayer alone, but many others' as well. It is so encouraging to have a prayer answered, especially one that was accompanied by so many tears.

Please pray for health for Gwen and this remarkable life.
Peace of Christ to you,

Big Girls and Tax Deductions

2011-02-21T19:55:00.003-06:00

Oh, what have I been up to? Let's see...potty training Kate (which finally worked beautifully!), battling recurring stomach bugs in our home, starting Caleb on solids, and since I'm in the "one kid in diapers" stage again, I'm getting to do cloth again with him!

I think they're so cute on him!

And here's a shot of our first time feeding him solids:

And I must say after looking at these last two photos that he's living up to that bib! We're getting a good tax return this year all because he joined our family last year! :)

I'm so proud of Kate and her potty training success! She doesn't even wear pull ups to bed--just big girl panties all the time! She got to go in the big kids' church on Sunday since she's a "big girl" now! I sure was worried about that sassy little girl, but she's shocked me with her fast accomplishment!
Peace of Christ to you,

The Promise of Warmth

2011-02-11T11:55:00.003-06:00

Yesterday early in the blue black hues of the winter morning, I looked out to white powdered evergreens and dead arms of gray branches. The cold found me even under the fleece where I hid. As the minutes crept by, I noticed a gradual creeping of another kind--but this creeping brought with it peeks of promise. In the fading seconds of those minutes, my eyes delighted in the fading also of the prick of cold, for ever so slowly the blank white began to bleed yellow.

The promise of warmth.

Peace of Christ to you,

Where I've Been (in pictures)

2011-02-01T20:30:00.015-06:00

I know it's been a while since I popped in here, so I thought I'd say hello! Here's what I've been up to:

Learning to quilt--

Learning to make bags--

Making pillows--

Making curtains--
Making baby gifts--

And of course hanging out with these guys--

Caleb's getting big (a whopping 13 pounds now!) and looking more and more like his big brother. So much so, that when I post pics of him on my FB page, people aren't sure if it's him or his big brother from years ago. Crazy! Here's an example:

Keagan also turned 5! I'll post his birthday pics on a separate post because there are a lot of them.
Peace of Christ to you,

Giving Them Back

2011-01-17T11:04:00.003-06:00

Yesterday we dedicated Kate and Caleb at our church. I was so glad both of our parents got to come and be with us for this! We are blessed to have parents who believe in giving children back to the Lord and will celebrate that with us.

It took me a few moments to notice this since he's almost hidden, but look how precious Keagan is in this photo!

I'm praying I can live up to the challenge our pastor put before us to shape our children into people who know and love our God. I find that this is no easy task, and it feels like I fail miserably at it so often. Guess that's where lots of prayer comes in, right?

Peace of Christ to you,

Pray for Melissa

2011-01-10T14:35:00.003-06:00

Today I just want to pop in and ask you to pray over a sweet friend of mine who is waiting for the birth of her precious baby girl. Her name is Melissa, and you can jump over to her blog here. This is her first child--a long awaited answered prayer! :)

I'm praying that her delivery will be a joyful blessing. Will you join me?

Peace of Christ to you,

Re-membering, Re-loving

2011-01-04T13:59:00.007-06:00

In this new year, I completely agree with one of my close friends, Juleah: Rather than setting ourselves up to fail and fall short of specific goals, why not try to focus our lives and hearts on what matters over all? Then the other things will eventually align with the vision of Christ.

So, rather than making a list of I Plan To's and I Will Not's...this year my focus will be on this scripture and letting it find a home in my heart:

"You shall love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise" (Deut. 6:5-7 ESV).

I think God's Word speaks for itself here; all that is needed from me is to allow Jesus to submerse my heart in a consuming love for HIM.

Then I can see those tiny details surrendering, being recreated into a sweet reflection of HIM.

The word Deuteronomy means "a repeating or retelling of the law." More than "weight loss" goals or "stop being lazy" goals or "keep my mouth shut" goals, I want to simply repeat God's Word day after day. To help me do so, I've mounted this passage to our living room wall. I hope it will not become an ornament that I eventually start looking past, but that I will re-tell it to my children, re-fresh my spirit with HIM, re-mind myself who HE is, and re-hide His Word in my heart.

And may we remind one another of His Word this year.

Happy New Year!

Peace of Christ to you,

My First Dress for Kate

2010-12-31T19:53:00.003-06:00

**UPDATE**

So I originally thought the buttons would go in the back, but it looks much cuter on Kate with them in the front:

So, I made a dress for Kate. I cut up one of Matt's old shirts and used the buttons/button holes and made a bodice, too. I saw a tutorial on making a dress out of a men's shirt, and got my idea from there. I changed it quite a bit (as usual :0 ) and added floral material. It was a lot of piecing together more than anything. I just kept measuring it on Kate after I got her initial measurements. Here it is:

The biggest challenge was designing the dress; I think this sewing thing will get easier once I learn to read patterns (or will it get harder?)!

Peace of Christ to you,

Scripture Projects

2010-12-29T15:54:00.002-06:00

I love Deuteronomy 6 and believe that we should remind ourselves of scripture throughout our homes, so I made these two projects today:

For Kate's bedroom:

Just purple material and felt flowers. And I actually wrote on the glass with a dry/erase marker.

For our living room:

Again, material and felt. Obviously, I enjoy "repurposing" things!
Peace of Christ to you,

Keagan's Woody Vest...so far

2010-12-28T11:26:00.003-06:00

Preparing for Keagan's birthday party is FUN! I'm doing a Keagan's Roundup theme--namely Toy Story gang style. I am making this Woody vest to surprise him. I hope he'll love wearing it as much as I love making it! I'm not finished yet; I'll post more pics of it once I'm done.

I printed off a template online. It wasn't a true "pattern" and was actually meant for felt, but I wanted to use fabric and sew it, so I just kind of did it how I thought it'd work. Hopefully it'll be fine! ;-)

Peace of Christ to you,

Christmas Story 3

2010-12-27T10:57:00.004-06:00

Christmas was merry indeed. :) Lots of family, food, and smiles. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful family!

Mom read the Christmas story to the kids--probably my favorite part!

Caleb enjoyed his first Christmas!

Keagan got Woody and Kate got Jesse, so it's been very Toy Story-ish around our house! It's not seldom that you'll hear: "Momma, play Woody!" lately. I got lots of sewing goodies and can't wait to use them! I also got a new cookbook that I've already delved into and am loving! Caleb got lots of goodies, too, even though he has no clue! Here's a last pic of him. His brother and sister decided he needed some of his toys in his bed. You can see how delighted he is, right? :)

The blessings were lavished and I'm so grateful!

Peace of Christ to you,

Strep and Gifts (aprons are the gifts, not the strep!)

2010-12-23T23:25:00.002-06:00

I've been down with strep throat this week, and let me tell you--it has really cut into my sewing time! I'm on day 3 of not being able to sew at all, and it's just no fun!

But on a happy note, I'm so glad I can finally show these gifts since I've given them to my sweet friends now. The pink aprons were for my friend Tera and her adorable little girl, Anna. And the Wizard of Oz apron was for my fantastic friend Gwen who incidentally has always LOVED Dorothy's choice of attire. They were such fun to make. I was worried I wouldn't be able to make Gwen's look like a shoe, but she didn't say, "What's this?", so I figure she got it! :)

This was my first shot at pockets:

And I squealed the whole way through on Gwen's:

After clearing it with my very understanding friends, I still went to our traditional Christmas party, this time sporting a stylish face mask. While eating at the table, Tera looked at me with hilarious eyes and said, "Cara, it's getting to where every time I think of you, I just laugh!" (I'm still trying to figure out if this was a compliment or not!) Just kidding. She's referring to a plethora of funny, unusual mishaps that seem to only happen to me. Things like: a receptionist taking my blood, my toddler--very seriously--asking Tera, "What the crack is?", spanking my son for injuring the cat while he insisted he did not...then learning that my husband's work boot was responsible--but chalking it up to "Oh it's okay; he'll do something later to deserve it anyway" and the like. And there I sat having dinner with a face mask on. :) I digress. What can I say? My life was clearly meant to bring comic relief.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone! I'm going to have fun with or without puss on my tonsils! :)
Peace of Christ to you,

Paved Roads and Buttoned Flowers

2010-12-18T23:59:00.005-06:00

Tonight I made a few more Christmas presents (for people with no access to my page!)--a car mat and hair clips.

The hat is Kate's that I decorated with an embellishment, too. I'm so happy to be on Christmas break so all I have to do is sew and be creative!

Oh wait, and I still have to throw a bottle at Caleb every 3 hours or so...and would you believe my kids mope around the house saying, "I'm hungry"? Sheesh. Don't they know I have important things to do? ;)

Also, (this is random, sorry) please pray for Keagan; he's been throwing up all day and still is doing so. Thank you.

Peace of Christ to you,

A touch of plaid and a bit of buttons

2010-12-17T21:17:00.003-06:00

I've been having the grandest time on my Singer! I'd love to post all of my projects, but I can't until after Christmas! But here are a couple of things that weren't gifts, so I can show them!

I got this skirt on clearance at Wal-Mart for $3. I had a pair of plaid maternity pants that I (surely) won't need ever again (snip snip) [wow, I just saw the hilarious pun in that!], and I cut a band from them to add to the bottom hem. It was fun!

And I made this hat at my friend Juleah's house with a vintage sweater from her collection. We had such a blast!

Can you tell I'm having fun?!

Peace of Christ to you,

The Nail

2010-12-15T21:00:00.002-06:00

As women--really, as humans--we all seek purpose in some form or fashion. To be liked. To be loved. To be wanted. To be needed. To be pretty. To be beautiful. To finish. To win.

It's hard to rest your hammer on just one simple purpose in life and swing away at it alone. If you're anything like me, I scramble to fasten a few of those nails into the wall of my life's storyboard--one in my left hand, one in my teeth, a few in my pocket (and I'll grab for those later). But I find that the more I'm looking for the next nail, the harder it is for me to hold onto the one I have, and the harder it is for me to secure it in place.

The wall of my life may look unscathed from a distance, with minimal damage. But a closer look reveals a chiseled-at wall, riddled with tiny "one shot" holes where a feeble nail was tapped into the surface. Tapped with haste, uncertainty, weak force, and indeterminable direction. These nails hold no weight, and they serve no purpose.

It seems I'm constantly trying to reach for a different nail than the one I'm holding--a different purpose than the one God has rested upon my shoulders. And each time I fumble for something new, something more, I hear Him gently whisper, "The right nail is already in your hand because I placed it there. Swing hard."

What's the nail He's given you for this season--or even just for this day? Is it a nail of friendship, of peacemaker, of encourager, of teacher, of sister or daughter or mother or grandmother? Whatever it may be, it's in your hand because He placed it there.

So swing hard.

Peace of Christ to you,

Cara

Family Photoshoot

2010-12-08T08:25:00.004-06:00

Our dear friend John Sullivan took our family on a photoshoot yesterday, and we just love the pictures he captured!

Peace of Christ to you,

Dear Kate on your 3rd Birthday

2010-12-06T07:00:00.001-06:00

Dear Kate,

Yesterday we had your 3rd birthday party--full of aprons, gingerbread men, pots and pans, candy canes, and ice cream. It was such a joy, especially seeing how much fun you were having and the way your little nose scrunches up when your face can barely hold your grin. These are a few of my favorite things.

You are one of my favorite things.

Some friends gave you your very first cook book, and here is one of the recipes:

Kate's Cookies
1 part love
2 parts fun
3 parts imagination

So sweet. I think my favorite thing right now about your age and your personality is that 3rd ingredient: your imagination. Rarely do you use an item for what it was intended. You make baby dolls out of plastic spoons and bracelets out of your brother's link-a-doos. A roller skate may be a car for your barbie doll, and the list goes on!

You know how to be rough and sometimes a bit...loud!...but the sheer joy of living life itself is what I find most beautiful inside of you. I pray you never lose this, but that life only becomes more and more beautiful through your eyes as you age.

While I was cooking with you in your bedroom that evening, I realized that this will not be forever. But with each birthday, your personality becomes more and more defined, and I look forward to seeing who God is crafting you into. I have a good feeling He has something really creative in mind!

Happy third birthday, Kate-roo. I can't believe you're growing so quickly. I hope you're having a blast, because I sure am!

Love, Mommy

Peace of Christ to you,

A Gingerbread Kind of Birthday

2010-12-05T22:00:00.005-06:00

This birthday party was the absolute most fun I've had doing for my kids! I'm so glad my mom thought up this theme that coincided with my current apron making fetish. :) It worked out so great! The kids really seemed to enjoy it, too. My two kids were still playing in their aprons this evening. I'm so glad I'm learning to sew; it is making special occasions even more special! :)

I simply cannot believe that my baby girl is 3 years old. Just where exactly did those years go? And if I feel this way now...oh dear!

Peace of Christ to you,

Caleb's Take on the Tree

2010-12-03T13:46:00.003-06:00

Before you see my sweet boy, here is what has gone up around our house recently. I am enjoying the decorations and the lights!

These stockings just arrived today care of Grammy! And they already have little things in them...spoiled kids!

And look who else is enjoying the Christmas tree:

Okay, really enjoying the Christmas tree!

"What? It's my first Christmas, okay?"

Peace of Christ to you,

It's Raining Aprons

2010-12-01T23:20:00.003-06:00

I've been cranking out a lot of these fun little aprons, getting ready for Kate's birthday party this weekend. We're doing a cooking party, and I hope it turns out great!

I think the dog one is my favorite; it was such fun to make! I can't wait to see the kids' faces when they see them.

Peace of Christ to you,

Rowan's Apron

2010-11-29T11:59:00.001-06:00

This one is for my niece, Rowan. I think she'll like it!

Peace of Christ to you,

Sew Much Fun

2010-11-28T20:51:00.003-06:00

******UPDATED******

I just added the heart I wanted to the apron:

Did I tell you how much I love to sew?

Well, I do.

Kate's birthday is next week (wow) and I made this for her:

Oh, the FUN I'm having! I just made this pattern up and am surprised that it works! I tried it on Keagan for size, and it's cute! :) Can't wait to give it to her!

I've busied myself with creating other Christmas gifts and it's killing me that I can't show them yet, since they're for people who have Internet access! :D I'll show pics of those after Christmas, though. I'm falling even more in love with my Singer each day. I had no idea this could be "sew" much fun!
Peace of Christ to you,

The Singer's Song

2010-11-24T22:02:00.004-06:00

This is my "new" Singer.

And this is not just any sewing machine; it was my grandma's machine as I grew up. She made countless party dresses and jumpers for me on this thing. When I stop and just sit in front of it, I can remember coming down her hallway, hearing the steady hum and wondering what she was working on.

It was usually something for me. :)

Now it's my turn to pull up a chair and craft little things for my special girl.

This Singer has a few songs under her belt; I hope I'll learn to sing on key, too.

Peace of Christ to you,

Kitchen Project...FINISHED!

2010-11-21T23:27:00.003-06:00

BEFORE:

AFTER:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

And now there's no more sparkle in my magic wand...and I'm tired (but happy)!

Peace of Christ to you,

The Spell as Promised

2010-11-21T10:52:00.002-06:00

First, just to remind you--BEFORE:

And AFTER:

I love it!

Peace of Christ to you,

Bippity Boppity Boo

2010-11-20T22:00:00.003-06:00

I got an early Christmas present today! Mom bought me 6 of these chairs (bargain!), and I bought this huge picture for only $5.

Before you suppose I think they are darling the way they are, stay tuned to see their magical transformations! This week I'm Fairy Godmother and Mom is Fairy Grandmother!

Bippity Boppity Boo!

Peace of Christ to you,

And Now I Know

2010-11-19T12:00:00.003-06:00

I wanted to compare some pictures of Keagan and Caleb to see why everyone says Caleb looks like a Keagan repeat.

And now I know. :)

Peace of Christ to you,

Look What's Working:

2010-11-18T19:24:00.003-06:00

Peace of Christ to you,

Because Sinks Don't Lie

2010-11-18T09:46:00.004-06:00

If "like mother, like daughter" is true...

then what does this say about my kitchen?

Peace of Christ to you,

Where Nothing Else Matters

2010-11-17T23:13:00.003-06:00

Caleb was invited to a tea party in Kate's room the other day. He handled it like a pro!

Then he got to go for a ride in Kate's stroller!

Last Sunday we had a theme at our church called "Itchy Trigger Sunday" where everyone got to wear their lodge gear, ready for hunting season. Caleb had the perfect long underwear for the occasion:

I wish I had gotten a picture of the front; it has a deer embroidered on it. Isn't the back hatch adorable?

Thought I'd update a little with some pictures. All three of my kids are growing so quickly; really too quickly. Well, except for Kate. She could grow up a little for me and use the POTTY, for crying out loud! Ahem...

I've had a difficult day, but God is so good to me and for some reason, He still thinks I'm worth His affection. So tonight as I soak in these pictures--these sacred moments with my kids--I am singing to the God who brings redemption to me and who covers me in grace. Today His grace is enough for me, and I'm thanking Him for being everything I want and everything I hope in, where nothing else matters.
Peace of Christ to you,

In Which Body Parts Become Bribery

2010-11-16T15:30:00.001-06:00

I wish this had been my own creative idea, but it was MckMama's instead. And I don't steal; I borrow. :) If only I were an artist! Oh well, the kids knew what each picture meant:

Getting 10 smiley faces under your name means you get a surprise (like a piece of candy). We'll see if it motivates them! I'm trying to balance this with a steady expectation for loving behavior simply because God asks it of us. But kids often need a little prodding to learn some things, right?

Peace of Christ to you,

It Only Takes a Second

2010-11-14T21:32:00.004-06:00

I haven't figured it out yet, but for some reason things happen to me when I'm driving or shopping.

Good things.

The other day I was driving down the highway and I saw one of those Correctional vans in the distance. There were men scattered about in the grass median to my left wearing orange vest jackets and picking up trash. As I approached a particular group of men, I noticed one look straight at me. He was not smiling or showing any expression really. I looked at him as well, and before I passed, I waved at him.

As he moved from my side window to my rear view mirror, I saw his arm raised high in the air with a waving hand, his whole body turned toward my vanishing van so he could just enjoy this moment. His wave must have lasted more than 5 seconds, where mine was probably not one whole second. Something that only took maybe one second to do, and yet that one second made such an impact on him.

Driving on, I wondered if anyone ever waves at these men. It would seem that they don't. The brief glance I got of his face was a look of surprise and excitement all wrapped up together, as if this were not mundane. I hope it made the morning air smell a little sweeter to him.

I am fully aware that he is a criminal, although I don't have a clue for what crime. But in the warm sun-lit drive that morning, I saw his humanity...the same as my humanity. While I've not done something that warrants being confined in prison, I'm still not without fault. And I don't deserve a wave or a smile any more than he does. It may sound silly,

but everyone needs a wave or a smile...and it only takes a second.

Peace of Christ to you,

Cookie Fun!

2010-11-02T10:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday seemed like a great cookie day, so out came the cookie cutters!

We had fun!

Peace of Christ to you,

I Couldn't Make Her Get In...

2010-11-01T16:12:00.005-05:00

This still sounds crazy to me, even as I'm typing it, but I feel an odd tie to this story and I wanted to share it. I hope it doesn't seem like a presentation to anyone, because it's not. It's just something that happened, and I'm still trying to figure it out. I wish this ended in a neat bow, but it doesn't.

It was cloudy and cool, a nice day to drive with the window half way down. I picked up all three of my children from their various places and had promised them a Popsicle when we arrived home. As I approached a wide intersection on the highway, a woman came into view on my left side of the road. I slowed the car, asking God out loud if He wanted me to do something. Her face looked perplexed, her walk wandering. My foot danced between the gas and the brake, trying to decide what to do. The gas won.

I drove for half a mile before feeling an overwhelming need to turn around. Keagan of course wanted to know what had gotten into me, so I told him I'd like to see if the lady needed a ride. Going the other direction now, I stopped beside her and asked if she needed a ride. She shook her head and said she was fine, but thanked me. I asked if she was sure, and she nodded. Confused about the strong urge I'd felt, I turned around again, heading back toward home.

I kept watching her in the mirror as we drifted farther from her. Suddenly a man in an orange striped shirt ran across the highway and joined her. Immediately, I wondered if this was a welcome man or not. He was not. She pushed him away and he persisted. Again, I felt a gnawing at my gut to turn around and make sure she was okay. I found another turn off and tried to explain to Keagan that we needed to check on her again. I'm sure he thought his mommy had completely lost it.

By the time we reached her again, the man had left. I rolled down the window, unsure of what on earth I was about to say to her. I knew I looked like a crazy person, but I couldn't ignore the heaviness I was feeling for her. "Are you okay?" I finally said to her. She frowned and looked at the ground. "Please, let me take you somewhere." She looked into the car, clearly questioning whether she could trust me or not. "I'm just a mom with kids, that's all," I remember saying. She nodded and said she was the same. "So, let me take you somewhere safe then," I said again. I asked where she was going, to which she replied she didn't know. I said I could take her somewhere that he wouldn't find her, but she kept scanning the highway, obviously expecting him to return any moment. "I feel like I'm supposed to take you somewhere," repeated. She kept saying the same thing: "I'm fine." I couldn't even believe I was saying it, but I pleaded with her, "You're not fine." Her eyes searched mine, and for a second I thought she would open the door and climb inside. But she didn't. She thanked me and said she wanted to walk.

Praying out loud as I turned toward home yet again, I asked what I was supposed to do. "I can't make her get in, Lord." But He was silent. As I passed her to get back onto the highway, the gnawing just wouldn't stop. I noticed a large rock in her hand and I wondered about it. I knew I'd lost my mind when I pulled over one more time to ask her to get in. (I swear, I've never done this before.) This time I actually told her that I felt like I couldn't leave her. I began asking her questions that just came out like fluid. She had a husband and a boyfriend and wasn't sure if she'd have a place to live. The rock was to smash in her boyfriend's window when he came back. I had no idea what to say...what to do. I wanted to help her and felt like someone would be in real danger. At this point, Keagan stuck his head out the window and asked if she'd get in the car. "We just love for you to ride," his precious 4 year old voice called to her. She smiled and lied, "I'm fine." Somewhere in the midst of this, I had gotten out of the car and was standing with her on a gravel driveway. (I don't even clearly remember getting out of the car.) But there I stood with her, a complete stranger whose will I couldn't break.

I couldn't make her get in.

All I could offer was a phone number and a request for her promise that if she needs a place to stay or something that she would dial the number. She promised. She shared a bit more about herself and I felt like it was time to leave her alone. She hasn't called, and I didn't really expect her to. I'm not sure what God was doing in all of that. She became smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror, and I felt helpless as I asked God to keep her safe. I know He loves her, and I am trusting that He will keep her in His hand. It was the oddest thing, but I felt like I was letting go of someone I knew well, giving her to the One who cares, and cares deeply.

I drove the rest of the way home in a daze, with Keagan asking if the lady would be okay. "I hope so, baby." Once I rounded the corner to our street, I realized that I had not been nervous at all through each moment. I felt a soft, gentle peace surrounding me and my children. I want to add that I NEVER stop for anyone on the side of the road, especially if I have my children! I knew God wouldn't be prompting me toward something that would harm my children, which is the only explanation I have for the peace I felt.

I know He has a point to all things, and sometimes we can be people who point to Him. I pray that He showed Marissa a straight arrow made out of crooked sticks today.

Pray for her with me tonight.
Peace of Christ to you,

"Home Grown"

2010-10-27T22:13:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to share these photos of Caleb in his "Home Grown" outfit, which is WAY too big for him even though it's a newborn size. I love the vegetables in his pockets! :)

Don't you like my creative excuses to post new pics of my baby?!

Peace of Christ to you,

Spidagee and Pwincess

2010-10-23T20:52:00.003-05:00

This year we went to an early Halloween party. Kate's Grammy made her dress!

And Caleb went as Caleb the Bottle Chucker, of course!

As I looked at these sweet shots, I felt a little sad, remembering when Keagan used to say, "Spidagee." He's growing up so quickly...they all are!
Peace of Christ to you,

Pumpkin Patch Kids

2010-10-19T19:43:00.003-05:00

Peace of Christ to you,

Helmet Hilarity

2010-10-18T21:50:00.003-05:00

Recently when we were visiting with some of my husband's family, Keagan snatched Uncle Randy's motorcycle helmet and pretended to drive around on his own bike with it:

Not to be outdone, Kate suddenly emerged from the bedroom with her own version:

Peace of Christ to you,

Spiderman, a Sling, and Bathtime

2010-10-13T13:50:00.002-05:00

Keagan gets to be Spiderman for Halloween, and he's excited!

Kate got her very own baby sling made by Grammy, so she's excited, too!

And Caleb...well, I don't think he's quite excited, but he's at least clean!

Peace of Christ to you,

May 29, 2010

2010-10-12T08:00:00.001-05:00

I found this piece I had written in the spring and felt like sharing it. I hope it speaks to your heart.

May 29, 2010
Lord, some days I feel like I can sense you close by. I don't know how to fully explain that, but I just have this peace that you are who you said you are and that you are here with me. I see you in my children's laughter and when they whirl around the garage on their bikes, singing "Oh How He Loves Us" and "Jesus Loves Me."

Yesterday early in the evening we all went for a walk around the block. The sun had just dipped some, giving the first hints of relief from the heat. On our way back, huge, sporatic rain drops danced out of the sky--the kind where one person gets hit on the nose and another person doesn't even believe it's raining yet. And in a couple of moments, they gathered together in unison. Almost immediately, I could feel the rain pressing the heat into the ground, away from my face. A deep, refreshment swirled around my head. We walked briskly around the last corner in case of a downpour, yet not really wanting the walk to end either.

It felt like you, Lord.

Earlier in the day I sat in the garage, watching the kids ride their bikes. Caleb was tumbling around inside my belly, and I could see his jolts just beneath my skin. The thought hit me that Mary was pregnant with Jesus and surely sat and marveled at these very same things.

He was human, too.

I've been studying the gospels, searching for examples of Jesus displaying each specific fruit of the spirit. When I allow my heart to hear these stories, I realize that they happened to a real man. I think of the indignation I feel when someone betrays me. Jesus knew about it before it happened, yet he still called Judas "friend." He was really beaten--something I couldn't endure. He didn't get out of the suffering because he was God; no, he endured it all the more because he was God.

Thank you for loving us this way, Lord.

Peace of Christ to you,

That's a Wrap!

2010-10-11T07:00:00.001-05:00

I have been using something that I love so much, I wanted to share it with you. An official one is called a Moby Wrap; mine is home-made with lots of love, and I do love it.

I consider it a miracle problem-solver, since I can do nearly anything while wearing my baby around. I got a sling made for him at first, but after some digging and researching, decided it wasn't as safe as I'd like. This holds the baby upright where he can breathe better. I have done as much as play soccer with my 4 year old while wearing Caleb in it! On a normal day, you'll find me using it to get laundry, cooking, dishes, grading, and walking outside done. Caleb's verdict is the same: he would stay in it all day if I'd let him!

Here's a shot of it in use:

Peace of Christ to you,

New Caleb Photos

2010-10-10T18:51:00.004-05:00

I thought this little guy was just too cute not to share with you:

I love that Matt can take such sweet, up close photos of our children! Poor Caleb has been photographed so much less than the other two, though! That's how it goes, isn't it? I think his spoiling in other areas makes up for it, don't you? :)

Peace of Christ to you,

What I've Been Up To

2010-10-05T16:43:00.003-05:00

Mostly hanging out with this handsome guy! It's so nice to feel "normal" again and get back into things I did before. I wear Caleb around quite a bit (he's not spoiled a bit!) and I can do a lot of stuff this way. He and I both love it! Today he snoozed in his wrap while I graded papers at the coffee shop. He's such a good baby; we're so blessed!

He was weighed yesterday and he was a whopping 8 pounds, 12 ounces! Growing like a weed!

My discipleship group is starting a new book called "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." I'm looking forward to it. I need refreshment, something to remind me WHY I believe what I believe instead of just WHAT I believe. :)
Peace of Christ to you,

7 Week Update with Pics

2010-09-22T20:06:00.002-05:00

It's been 7 weeks since Caleb came into our family. He is growing and doing great! He weighs around 7 pounds now and is about 22 inches long.

I had my 6 week check up yesterday, and everything was great. I'm doing so much better emotionally and mentally. I'll be on my medication for at least six more months, and then we'll assess it with my doctor at that point. I don't mind; just as long as I'm feeling better...and I am. I'm finally truly feeling like myself again, and it's so nice.

My mother-in-law made me a sling for Caleb, and I love it! I got to try it out yesterday at the mall, and nearly every person we met grinned while gazing at Caleb snuggled inside. He's an attention-getter!

Here's Matt sporting it with Caleb chillin' inside:

It's wonderful. I've graded papers, done laundry, and cooked dinner while carrying him around--and still had both hands free to do everything! (I have a feeling my mother-in-law may have a few orders for more pretty soon.)

Peace of Christ to you,

Playing Catch Up

2010-09-06T22:30:00.003-05:00

To catch you up on how things have been going:

Adjusting to Caleb being home was harder than I expected, and I'm not sure why. I knew something was wrong with my emotional state, but I didn't know exactly what. My baby was finally home, so I should've been happy! But instead, I was strangely seized with fear and anxiety, and the only thing that sounded appealing to me was staying in bed all day. I would give Kate food and feed Caleb, and then literally lay around all day. I had no desire to interact with other people, either, which is odd since I'm usually quite social.

Thankfully, some friends helped me realize I was dealing with postpartum depression. Now I'm being treated for it and doing so much better. Things like getting out of the house and interacting with people sound exciting to me once again. Before, I had such anxiety about the things I used to be good at, like taking care of my kids. I was actually afraid of taking care of them--I thought I was incapable of doing so. I didn't resent Caleb or anything, but I know I viewed the responsibility of him more heavily than the simple joy of his presence. Now that I'm better, I can see how off balance I was.

So now, I'm getting back in the swing of things, and I'm enjoying life again.

Caleb is doing good, although we've had some bumps in the road. We've already had him in the ER, for instance. He started having bloody stools a few days ago, and when I called the after hours help line, they said he needed to go right away to the emergency room. We were there ALL night, and didn't find anything out--which was very frustrating. His blood tests came back normal, which was good. Two days later, we had an appointment with his pediatrician (which actually got rescheduled with the fill-in doctor), and we learned that he has a cow's milk protein allergy. That's what caused the blood after I had given him only half an ounce of formula. So he got a prescription for some formula with no cow's milk and something else that merits it to be liquid gold! (That stuff is insanely expensive!)

Someone also forgot to tell Caleb that people sleep at night, not during the day! He's awake all night nearly, making these grunty noises that won't allow me to sleep. I end up sleeping in the living room so I won't hear him as much. But he's still cute, and I think we've decided we'll keep him!

So, other than being nocturnal these days, all is well!

Peace of Christ to you,

I've Learned...

2010-08-23T14:31:00.004-05:00

No matter how tired I am, my new baby's face always looks sweet.
You can sleep sitting straight up.
To eat when I get a second.
To sleep when I get a minute.
No matter how many times I've done this before, it still seems scary.
Preemie babies are not the same as full term babies.
When a nurse says to do something once we're home, I should listen.
You can sell breast milk on the Internet. (Don't worry, I didn't.)
New babies don't adequately fulfill an adult conversation craving.
Reading is nearly a thing of the past.
Friends care about our yard getting mowed.
Employers can be more than a boss.
And yes, we did just start all over again. Wow.

But most importantly, I've learned that even when my spirit faints within me, the Lord knows my ways, my thoughts, my heart (Psalm 142:3).

Peace of Christ to you,

Sweet Slumbers

2010-08-21T21:10:00.003-05:00

Peace of Christ to you,

We're HOME!

2010-08-20T11:47:00.002-05:00

That's right; we're home!! I still can barely believe it. Caleb did great on his sleep study, so they called around noon yesterday to tell us we would be taking our precious baby HOME with us! I literally jumped up and down, so excited that I couldn't stay quiet!

Here's our adventure in pictures:

We had a good night and are adjusting well! Thanks everyone, for your prayers! We're so tickled to be home! Praise God!

Peace of Christ to you,

A Caleb Update-Aug 18

2010-08-18T08:53:00.003-05:00

Matt and I went back to see Caleb yesterday and to have my 2 week check up as well. He was still doing really well! And my check up went great, too.

They took his feeding tube back out and said that he hasn't had any apnea for a long time. So...they said if he did well on Tuesday night, then they would retest him Wednesday night to see if he could pass it this time.

I called this morning, and he did great last night, so they're going to retest him tonight! (I'm trying really hard NOT to get my hopes up again, because it didn't go well last time.) But the hope is that he will pass the sleep study tonight and get to go home with us tomorrow. Will you please pray this for our family? Last night was especially hard leaving him and I broke. He was wide awake, which didn't help because he's just so cute (I think, of course)! I'm just so tired of leaving him there. It doesn't feel right. I know they take good care of him, but it makes it seem like he isn't really ours.

Keagan is having a hard time dealing with all this emotionally. He doesn't want to go to school anymore because he doesn't want to miss time with me and Matt. He sobs and begs to stay with me and he says, "I don't wanna lose you." In his mind, he never knows when we'll leave and be gone or be home since we're having to go to Tulsa so much. Poor guy. I just hate that. It breaks my heart and Matt's. So please pray for Keagan, too.

Here's Caleb from our visit yesterday:

Peace of Christ to you,

A Caleb Update-Aug 16

2010-08-16T11:30:00.005-05:00

Guess who had a good night and morning? It feels so nice to get good news finally! Caleb is feeling better and is more alert today. He is also starting on a bottle again and doing pretty well. They left the feeding tube in to put what he doesn't finish down. They've done more lab work on him, but I don't know the results yet. He must have been a little sick, but seems to be picking back up today!

AND...the nurse said there were NO apnea, bradycardia, or de-saturations last night! I can't tell you how happy that news makes me. The apnea is scary to me, and this is phenomenal news--especially when he had 3 episodes just yesterday while Matt held him.

We're praising God that he is picking up and doing better now. Thank you for your prayers over our Caleb. This is such an up and down experience, and it can be exhausting. It's really hard for me to remember that God loves Caleb even more than we do, but I'm trying to trust Him more. I do know that He gave Caleb to us and can certainly take care of him.

Peace of Christ to you,

A Caleb Update-Aug 15

2010-08-15T23:04:00.004-05:00

Well, today has been disheartening. Saturday night was rough for Caleb; he wouldn't drink bottles very well for the nurses, and he ended up losing a few grams (which isn't too bad). The sleep study was shut down around 9:00 this morning and we waited until after 1:00 pm to hear the results.

They weren't exactly what I'd hoped to hear.

Caleb has apnea (he stops breathing for periods of time), which will lengthen his PICU stay quite a bit it seems. They also had to put him back on a feeding tube, which just broke my heart to see. Matt and I went up to see him this afternoon, and he just didn't seem like the same baby that we left on Thursday night. He had been fed some formula since they ran out of my breast milk, and he spits it up. He was wet with spit up and also had a messy diaper. It just didn't seem like he was being well cared for when we arrived. But I think it was a coincidence, because the nurse who was coming on duty with him came in and talked with us for quite a while about his progress.

He's basically just exhausted. He's hit a wall and has decided he's too tired to climb it.

They also drew some blood to check for any infections, and they did find a small trace of a virus of some kind, which I'm trying not to worry too much about. This could explain a lot, too. He just looked so tired today. He wouldn't open his eyes while I held him like he has done in the past. The nurses say he has the "wimpy white boy" syndrome. I think they're right. (Preemie babies who are male Caucasian do the worst on progress.) They said if you're going to have a premature baby, you want it to be a female African American. Interesting, huh?

So, Caleb is not home, and we don't know when he will be. We're still praying that God will speed his growth and maturation so he can be home with us. But we know this just takes time, and if that's what he needs right now, we have to give it to him...as much as it hurts being here without him.

On a brighter note, Matt got some sweet photos of him that I have to share:

Thank you for your continued prayers for our sweet boy.

Peace of Christ to you,

Caleb's Birth Story Part VI

2010-08-14T23:14:00.006-05:00

The next day-Thursday-was very different from my birthday. I wasn't up for long before things started falling apart.

Caleb had had a rough night. His oxygen saturation level kept dropping during the night, and he'd had a couple of heart rate drops as well. I woke feeling so discouraged, like we were taking giant steps backward.

I didn't want to go backward; I wanted to go home.

And it just continued to get better. It started sinking in around 9 am that I'd just missed Keagan's first day of school...ever. And later that morning, I found out just how big of a work load I had for the semester, and my emotional dam collapsed. Every problem suddenly felt magnified by ten, and I couldn't imagine how I'd ever make it through the rest of the week, much less the rest of the year! After calling Matt and dumping all my anxieties on him, we decided I should drop one of the classes I was to teach. So I called and took care of that, which did bring some relief.

The rest of the day, I felt depressed. All I could do was get up to feed Caleb and then lie back down in a depressed stupor. I had no reason to get up, nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no real purpose it seemed. I told the nurse that I felt like we had just crashed-that we had been doing so well before, but now...now we were only getting worse instead of better. She assured me that Caleb had not crashed, but that this part was the long part, the part that just took time. Time was not my best friend at the moment. I never thought I'd say this, but I simply had too much of it. Oh how I wished I could snap my fingers and fast forward to the day where they'd let Caleb come home with me.

That evening, I talked to Matt on the phone about Keagan's first day of school and whatever else we could think of. He was having a tough time dealing with the kids' attitudes without me. Keagan had become defiant and was acting out of character. Clearly, his world was turned upside down.

After I got off the phone with him, I realized I had started bleeding very heavily, bright red-which the nurses in postpartum had told me was not okay with a c-section. Later that night, I told the late shift nurse what had happened along with how I was feeling emotionally, and she said she wanted to call my doctor right away since that was not something to shrug off. When she came back into my room, she said the doctor wanted me home right away and that I needed to stay home for a few days. She said I could come back on Monday. My head started spinning with "how am I going to get home?" thoughts. It was already eight o'clock, and it was a 2 hour drive to come get me from home.

Thankfully, one of our dear friends rode with Matt up to pick me up that night. They didn't get there until after 11 pm, and we didn't leave for home until around midnight, getting us back after 2 am. I'm so thankful for the TONS of people God has used to help us through this time. Our families have been incredible, and our church family has reached out to help us in so many ways with food, mowing our yard, helping with the kids. I'm continually amazed at how He has taken care of us through all these things.

So, this is where the story catches up to the present. I'm currently at home, resting like my doctor wanted me to. Since I've been home, good things have happened with Caleb! They did a Car Seat Tolerance Test on him, which he had to pass in order to go home. That's where they sit him in the car seat for 2 hours and monitor his breathing and heart rate. He passed it today! And tonight they are performing a sleep study on him, monitoring the same things. If he passes that, then we actually can take our sweet boy home tomorrow! Please pray with me that he passes this so we can all be together as a whole family at last. I've been waiting for this for nearly 2 weeks!

Thanks for all the prayers, by the way. They're how I have made it through this tough time of my heart being pulled in so many different places.

Peace of Christ to you,

Caleb's Birth Story Part V

2010-08-14T22:39:00.005-05:00

Days in the NICU are long and bipolar. One minute things seem increasingly optimistic, and the next, it seems that any great achievements are suddenly depleted because of new, different issues. Caleb's progress was fast at first; one day he was breathing with a CPAP--the next he just had a small oxygen line in his nose--the next no oxygen at all and he was moved out of the heated bed into a regular "box"--etc. But then things just slowed down. Way down.

The days kind of ran together, so I can't accurately remember on which days exactly what happened. He got off the IV and started drinking a bottle pretty quickly, too. (I do know that the bottles came before the IV left.)

That first weekend my parents brought our children up to see us! We stayed in the Ronald McDonald house, so the kids got to stay the night with us. They had missed us a lot, obviously. It was so nice to see them, but it was also very difficult because they couldn't understand why Mommy couldn't do anything with them. Kate wanted to be held and snuggled or to climb into bed with me. But I was just glad to at least see them.

Sunday night the kids went back home with my parents, so Matt and I got some more time together just us and Caleb. I knew what was coming, but I thought I would handle it okay. Boy, was I wrong. When he finally left me around 9:00 that night, I cried some of the deepest sobs I've known. I felt so alone, so desperately alone. I knew it'd be a whole week before I'd see him again, and I didn't know how much strength I'd have on my own...so far away from home.

The next day I woke up and went down for a late breakfast. I didn't finish my biscuits and gravy before I was crying again. That was probably the lonliest day I had. The minutes and hours dragged on. There didn't seem to be an end to the tunnel I was walking through.

God did some sweet things the rest of the week, though. On Tuesday I had two visitors who made the day go by quickly and brightened my spirit! One-Samantha from high school-I hadn't seen in years and the other-one of my very best friends, Gwen-were just what I needed. They both brought gifts that warmed my heart.

Later that day a nurse suddenly came into our little closet-room in the NICU and said that they were going to move Caleb to the PICU on the 7th floor. I was so confused, but she said this was a good sign; it meant that he was the best candidate out of the other babies and that it was one step closer to going home. When we got up there, I couldn't believe what God had just done for me: we were given a major upgrade! We now had a large room with a real bed, a recliner, a T.V., and my own private bathroom! Thank you, Lord.

The next day was my birthday, and I was kind of dreading it. Since it was Wednesday, I knew there was no way Matt could come up, so I was prepared for a long, lonely day. But that wasn't God's plan! Around 11 am, I was changing Caleb and heard a knock on the door. I turned around to find two ladies from our church standing there! The tears came immediately, but these were joyful tears--tears that said, "I can't believe God loves me this much to send these ladies here today!" And He did. They had come to steal me away for a lunch date, and it was so wonderful. We ate at the Olive Garden--my favorite restaurant. It ended too quickly, of course, but I soaked in every moment.

I was so delighted that God had used them to surprise me, and it made the rest of the afternoon so much more bearable. For dinner, I walked across the street to Wendy's and ate a small dinner. I'd planned to go back to feed Caleb and just wind down for the night. As I walked back toward the hospital, a burgundy minivan drove past, and I thought to myself, "There's a van exactly like ours." It took a few seconds for me to see the Fuel Church sticker on the back, and once I did, my heart literally danced in my chest! Could I really be looking at our minivan, meaning my husband would be inside? He hadn't seen me, obviously, since he kept driving. I was too excited to think about my incision hurting, and I nearly ran up the inclined street to the hospital! I hadn't felt that much joy actually threaten to burst my chest open in a long time.

I beat him up to the room, and as I waited for him to show up, I started doubting what I had seen. What if I had imagined that out of loneliness? What if I'd just set myself up for the longest night so far? But I hadn't. He finally made his way up to our room with his handsome smile as well as an armload of presents! I just could not believe I was actually standing in front of him! It was the best birthday present I remembered getting in a long time! I opened gifts from different family members one by one and then he took me out to dinner. We shared amazing food and talked about what all was happening. It had only been a few days since I'd seen him, but it had felt like weeks. We went to Walmart and bought me a second pillow for the bed and a backpack for Keagan, who was starting Pre-K the next day.

When he had to leave that night, I didn't cry; our visit had refreshed me and I knew he'd be back that weekend, too. I knew then that it would somehow all be okay.

Peace of Christ to you,

I'm Pleased to Introduce to you: Caleb Aaron

2010-08-11T16:17:00.002-05:00

Here he is today:

He's come a long way:

Please pray for Caleb's breathing. He's started to de-sat (which means his oxygen saturation level goes down) when he eats. Pray that this will fix itself very soon; I am ready to take my baby home and be with my family. He also lost some weight since I tried to breastfeed him a couple of times. But now he's back on bottle feeding (I pump, so he's still getting my milk), and I'm hoping when they weigh him tonight that he'll have gained some.

Today two ladies from my church completely surprised me and showed up at the hospital to kidnap me for a birthday lunch! (Today is my birthday.) They certainly helped my emotions today! Thanks for all the prayers for Caleb. Please keep them up!

Peace of Christ to you,

Caleb's Birth Story Part IV

2010-08-08T21:54:00.002-05:00

That first night was tough since I couldn't see Caleb at all, but God provided something quite special to ease my sadness: the nurses in the NICU pointed a camera at Caleb all night long, and it played on my T.V. screen at the foot of my bed. I stared at it all those hours of the night, wondering what he smelled like, watching his back and sides expand with his breathing. His breaths were sporadic, fast, and choppy; I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen for more than a few seconds, fearful that he wouldn't be breathing right when I next looked.

I dozed that night for about fifteen or twenty minutes, but the rest of the time I stared at the screen that held my baby...because I could not.

Matt slept in the room with Caleb that night, and every once in a while, I'd see his hand come into view, gently patting Caleb on the back or bottom for comfort. (Have I mentioned what an incredible dad he is? Well, now I have.) I knew at one point by the way his hand was just resting motionless on Caleb's back that he was praying over him. And nothing made me feel safer in those moments.

I continued to pray for Caleb's health and safety all night, but I also thanked God for what he was doing so far. I knew He was in control; I could feel it, although I was still significantly terrified. There's a delicate balance of knowing He is good and He does good...and fearing that He for some reason won't do good this time. I was right in the middle all night.

The next morning the nurses told me to make my first visit a short one since it'd probably be an emotional one. They were right, but I stayed as long as I could anyway. And it was a lot more joyful than I'd imagined, too, because I was just so relieved to finally be with him in the same room.

I breathed him in and kissed him; and I realized how silly I had been during the pregnancy for fearing that I wouldn't bond with him once he arrived.

He was mine. And I was completely captivated by him.

Peace of Christ to you,

Caleb's Birth Story Part III

2010-08-06T15:41:00.007-05:00

The doctor and his team were jokingly discussing going to Bermuda, I remember, and asked if I wanted to go. They were light-hearted, again trying to relieve the tension they knew I was feeling. I appreciated it, but nothing seemed as important as knowing if my baby would be okay or not.

As they were putting me back together, I started feeling even more out of control with my breathing--which became panting. The anesthesiologist asked repeatedly if he could give me something to calm me down. I said I was just scared. He said that was completely normal and that I did wonderfully, and everything would be just fine.

Coming off that anesthesia was one of the worst feelings I've felt, physically. I remember thinking it'd be better just to cut my arms off rather than feel the sensations that were coursing through them at that point! The strangeness of knowing I was moving the top part of my chest but not feeling anything was so odd. They had warned me that it may feel like I couldn't breathe, even though I would be inhaling and exhaling as normal. They were right--it was so strange.

I was wheeled back into the room we'd just left only minutes before, where I'd been all day with a baby in my womb. And now, I'd come back with no baby--just me. I felt miserably alone and couldn't stop sobbing. All the nurses were wonderful and checked on me every 15 minutes.

I must have said the exact same prayer one million times while lying in that room alone for the next nearly 2 hours: "Please, Lord, keep Caleb safe." I knew Matt didn't mean to leave me alone so long without knowing, and I wanted him to be there with Caleb, but those minutes alone were haunting. Every possible disaster came to my mind. I threw up and I sobbed. I wondered, If I'm a Christian, why do I feel so terrified and unable to trust right now? I knew God was in control, and I kept asking Him to continue to be (although I know that sounds so silly).

Finally, the curtain of the room opened and Matt stepped past it, smiling with a worn out smile. "How is he?" I immediately asked. "He's gonna be just fine," he assured me. He told me about the tests they were doing, the oxygen he was already on, and the IV they had started, but all the while assured me that God was definitely taking care of him. I knew He would; I just needed to hear it.

Peace of Christ to you,

Caleb's Birth Story Part II

2010-08-06T15:18:00.004-05:00

I never left open the option of having a C-Section, so naturally I was rudely misinformed on the whole bit. I had no idea what was about to happen to me! The doctor was so nice and gave me the fastest run-down he could before starting. It felt chaotic--being told they would be cutting me open and that within 15 minutes, I'd see my baby! Matt was trying to inform family members and get into the sterile white jump suit at the same time. And I was just scared.

I'm not sure how to describe that fear. It was fear of not really understanding what was about to happen, fear of not knowing if the baby would be okay, and fear of not being able to be with my baby immediately. The way they shuffled me around in the operating room, I was afraid at one point that they would drop me on the floor!

In the middle of it, I realized just how comfortable being in control makes me. Because I've never felt that out of control before. There was absolutely nothing I could do but stare into the faces of the people above and around me. It felt like a production of some sort, with around a dozen people zipping around the room, prepping this and prepping that. I remember thinking: All these people are doing this for me and my baby. Wow.

There was a cluster of people I heard being referred to as the "Respiratory Team"--just waiting for Caleb to arrive. They asked me questions about him from across the room. They were probably trying to be nice and help me relax. I know the terror I felt was tangible; my anesthesiologist stood directly over me, checking on my emotional/mental state every few seconds. He was really kind and helped me feel more calm about everything. His eyes were blue crystals that told me he was smiling at me, even though his mouth was hidden.

Matt not being able to stay with me through the spinal tap was one of the worst parts. I couldn't ask him to hold my hand and reassure me that it'd be okay. But it was incredibly fast, and he was right by my side in no time. And I was wrenching his hand off, asking with my eyes if he thought everything would work out like we planned.

I didn't know that babies who are born by C-Section don't automatically cry on their own. Now I do. I think that was the point where fear seized me the most--when I knew Caleb was out, but he was making no noise at all. Matt could see him and kept patting my hand, telling me he looked like he was going to be fine. He was purple like the others had been, and in a few seconds, I heard the tiniest, highest pitched whimpers I remember ever hearing!

He was out, and he was crying! I immediately thanked God and just as immediately began praying that He'd keep Caleb safe and healthy. Caleb's pediatrician (I didn't know they waited for babies right there in the room) brought him over to me for an all too quick kiss on the cheek, and then he was gone. I knew they would take good care of him, but I couldn't be there, and I knew the next hour would be torture. Matt followed and there I was again...alone, but not alone.
Peace of Christ to you,

Caleb's Birth Story Part I

2010-08-03T14:45:00.008-05:00

Well, I'm typing from my hospital room while I have some quiet time alone. I thought I'd give our birth story and the journey we're on since then:

To start the past weekend off, I was having contractions and was on unofficial bed rest. I was eating all the fat and calories I could find, too because I knew at 35 weeks, labor isn't always stopped, and I wanted to pack on as much weight to our baby as I could--especially since I had to be making the trip back to Tulsa one day that week.

I really didn't think it'd be Monday that we went to Tulsa because I planned to have my Monday mid-morning appointment changed to maybe Thursday or Friday. By that point, we'd be closer to 36 weeks and I'd feel safer if I did go into more active labor. (I'd been hospitalized just briefly Friday for early contractions and figured it'd happen again after another 2 hour drive in this heat!)

So, Monday morning I called my doctor, but instead of hearing that he'd like to see me later in the week, he did want me to come in that day. So, Matt and I frantically threw things together "just in case" and dropped the kids off at our pastor and his wife's house. I was convinced we'd be back later that evening, even though I knew I wasn't feeling right at all.

I was so emotional all morning, and I couldn't explain why. I cried half the way to Tulsa! And then I cried in my doctor's appointment, too. I had close to 15 contractions on our trip and was having another as I walked into the exam room, so the doctor wanted us to go over to the hospital to be checked and monitored for a bit. He figured I was going into labor. The bad thing was: the baby was turned the wrong way for a normal delivery. The plan would be to lessen my contractions and give the baby more time to turn for a regular delivery.

But that's not quite what happened...

After sitting for hours of monitoring my contractions, they just kept getting more regular and more intense. The doctor came in around 7:45 and did another ultrasound to see where the baby was positioned since my contractions weren't stopping. He had turned the other way, but still sideways. But this time, he was facing down with his hands and feet right into my cervix. And he had the cord down there, too. The doctor was worried that the baby would get tangled in it and possibly risk strangulation. He said, "We need to have this baby and we need to do it tonight. We'll prep you for a C-Section." And within about 10 minutes, I was being wheeled into the operating room, scared out of my mind.

Peace of Christ to you,

Baby Shower in Pictures

2010-07-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

I promised pictures of the wonderful baby shower I was thrown, and here they are! It was so nice, and I was overwhelmed at how many ladies came. Thanks, ladies!
I especially am grateful for the ladies who hosted it and put everything together: Lorie, Mary, Debbie, and Darylann. (And I'm praying I didn't forget anyone!) If I did, please forgive my pregnant brain!

Isn't this airplane cake adorable? My pastor's wife rocks. (I super duper LOVE homemade cakes, but you probably remember that from all my kids' birthday party pics!)

Thankful for the ladies who came (and this wasn't all of them either)!

I received so many awesome gifts--many of which were hand made sweet things like this:

Fallon crammed all the gifts in her smart little bug named Ziggy!

So that's what the afternoon looked like. I wish I had felt better, but I still enjoyed all the sweet gifts and ladies who came. I really was blessed by their thoughtfulness and generosity.

Peace of Christ to you,

Pregnancy Update: Week 33

2010-07-19T23:09:00.003-05:00

Ah, to sit down and soak in some quiet time is really quite extraordinary right now. I had another appointment with my perinatologist today and thought I'd update on how it's going:

It's not going so hot. Well, it's hot all right! And that's actually part of the problem! The heat worsens my heart condition, so I now have some new medication (a beta blocker) to deal with the more intense attacks I have. I had a weird spell at church Sunday morning where I hyperventilated (which I've never done before). We have a great nurse friend who helped me through it. My pulse was at 140, but breathing into a paper bag got it down to around 110. My face was pale, but I was sweating a lot, and my lips and arms were numb. It just felt like I'd fall over passed out that whole time. But it got better eventually.

Today I learned that in addition to that, I have high blood pressure now. I guess that'd be a major contributor to yesterday's episode. My doctor doesn't think I'll be hanging in there too much longer, so he also has given me some steroid medication for the baby as a precaution for early birth (which happened with both Keagan and Kate). I have to see him every week now, and that's a two hour drive! Whew. But he knows my history so well and will be the one delivering, so there's just no other way. We're going to take it week by week to see how far my body will go. The goal would be to make it another 2-3 weeks since I'm 33 weeks now. Another 4 weeks would be the best, but he doesn't think that will happen. I'm also contracting a lot tonight, very frequently, but not regularly, so I think it's okay. I know the Braxton Hicks contractions can be painful, so I know this is what that is. I just don't usually have this many of them.

So, I've got to try doing little and concentrating on relieving the stress that has raised my blood pressure. (Yeah right!) But I'm about to get 2 weeks off from work, and I just know that will help a ton! Thanks for your prayers. I want our baby to be healthy and safe!

Oh, and I was given the best shower Sunday afternoon! I will do another post with all the pictures from it.

Peace of Christ to you,

The Truth About Boys and Girls

2010-07-13T23:57:00.005-05:00

A couple of posts ago, I shared some of my worries/anxieties about this pregnancy--that some of the emotions I've had are hard to categorize or even to explain to someone else...but they were definitely present. It's odd that I feel more anxiety my third pregnancy than I did with my very first one, isn't it? But I feel like the Lord let me see something the other day, and I want to share it:

My first child is a boy.

My second child is a girl.

There are generally only two options on the sex of a baby, right? I mean, my having a third one doesn't create a third gender option!

Keagan defines "son" for me, just as Kate defines "daughter" for me. In my mind, there is no other way for a son of mine to be, look, act, etc., just as there is no other way for a daughter of mine to be, look, act, etc.

So what on earth will another "son" be, look, and act like? What will I expect of him? With Keagan as the firstborn son, there was a delicate balance in letting him be babied, yet expecting him to be a strong boy. With Kate, she was purely the baby girl, the little frilly princess. I remember Matt spoiling her every night, soothing her to sleep on his chest. Keagan had been expected to fall asleep alone in his crib. We knew Kate was spoiled, but it was because she was "our baby girl."

The difference between Keagan and Kate was easy for me because it was only natural to love them differently--equally, of course, but differently. Now, it seems there is no other option...like I'm not completely sure how to love another boy. Do I sound like a lunatic, or what?!

I'll spend the next few weeks trying to decipher the answers to my questions. I feel relief already in just defining and giving shape to my apprehensions because now I'm free to take the next step in preparing my heart for this little guy. I have no doubt that I will love him; don't picture me throwing him out a window or anything! I am a planner and an organizer; I want to have a game plan for everything. And this, obviously, is no different for me.

Peace of Christ to you,

His Timing is Perfect; My Wailings are Not

2010-07-08T14:53:00.011-05:00

I had my three hour glucose test Wednesday morning, and it was interesting, painful, and long...but it also had a bit of joy mixed in. I'll explain.

The test was done at 8 am when no one was at the clinic but the nurse administering it and me. Since she was coming in just for me ahead of her normal schedule, I worried that she would be on the perturbed side, but she was so nice. The first testing went kinda badly and was painful. Just picture a lot of needles and bruised finger pads, 5 of them. (ouch) Trying my best not to throw up the disgustingly sugar-concentrated liquid was not fun, either. But I prayed the entire time, asking God to be near me. And He was.

I passed the first test and had a feeling deep in my spirit that the whole thing was actually going to turn out okay. And it did. I don't have gestational diabetes, and I can't express just how happy that makes me! I have a new appreciation for people with diabetes, and I feel for them that we live in such a cruelly sugar-bombarded world! Even carbohydrates are the enemy. I felt like I couldn't eat anything that week of waiting to see whether I had it or not, which only heightened the chaos of my emotional state.

The last hour of the test (there were 3 1/2 hours total) was when I knew God had timed this by His watch, not mine. The nurse had finished her tasks, and I had finished grading my class's essays, so we had time to talk more. I learned a lot about her. She was abused for years and has been pregnant 7 times. But she only has 2 sons. That means she has 5 babies in heaven. And I was crying over the needles and the sugar. We talked about God and her church; she's Catholic. We didn't say much else about church--just random comments on how God has sustained and blessed; I didn't feel the Spirit's prompting to push it further. We hugged when it was time for me to leave.

The night before the test, I finished a book I'd bought in mid-June: "The Hiding Place"--the story of Corrie Ten Boom. I usually read very quickly, but things kept coming up to hinder my progress in the book in June. I had to read it slowly, sometimes only one chapter at a time. Now in July, I know why. And even further back than that, years ago I managed a Christian book store and heard of Corrie Ten Boom at that time. The store, of course, had her book and her devotionals, and I almost picked them up a few times to read. But something always stopped me. It wasn't time. And now I know why.

It's because of God's love and His planning for me that it wasn't time. Now was the time because I needed something to (very gently) push me toward remembering that I am blessed and that He has ordered my steps...even the hard ones when I can't eat what I want while pregnant! :) The despair and tragedy that emerged from those pages by far outweighed all the "hardships" I may endure, and were delicate reminders that God has abundantly poured Himself out to me. I have far greater reasons to rejoice than to lament.

I learned so much from this book, and I'll have to share more of them later. I'm amazed yet again that He loves me this much, that He would begin a work years ago--preventing me from reading the book too soon--because He knew I'd need the lesson to carry me through this time.

His timing is perfect. Corrie knew this. She was released from the concentration camp just days after her sister was released into heaven. She later learned that her release was a "clerical error" and that one week after she gained freedom, all the women her age were taken to the gas chamber.

His timing is perfect.
Peace of Christ to you,

Yes, Lord, I Believe...so why do I feel this way?

2010-07-02T11:47:00.003-05:00

I will try to not use this as a whine or dump session; I just wanted to update on how things have been with the pregnancy.

For a while I've been struggling with foreign emotions, some that I haven't wanted to admit and haven't known how to deal with. I thought they'd just go away soon and all would be great! But they seemed to be worsening, and I definitely hit a wall with them over the past week. Feelings of unexplained depression and anxiety were making me feel suffocated, really. I love my kids, I do enjoy my work, I like to be around people...but I was tending to gravitate toward being anti-social, inactive, and crying uncontrollably much of the time. (Poor Matt.)

I've realized that I have been missing a connection with this baby that I had with Keagan and Kate. I can barely explain it; it's just that I feel like I don't know him, I don't feel very excited for his arrival (as awful as that sounds), and I know some of the thoughts--fleeting though they are--that I've had can't be normal. At least, I never felt them before.

My final straw was when my glucose test came back too high. It didn't help that I was not counseled on it, was not told what to eat, what not to eat, what will happen next, whether it's a big deal or not, etc. I was just told that I probably have gestational diabetes and I better watch what I eat. I had been watching calories recently, and I have not been even close to reaching my recommended caloric intake. So, how could this happen? I have no idea. I'm not gaining too much weight, I'm not huge. I just felt like it was all my fault, like I've done something terrible.

And that, like I said, was my last straw.

Not to mention, the place I get the test done doesn't even open until 1:oo, and they wanted me to come do a 3 hour test at that time after not being able to eat past midnight. So I'd not be able to eat until roughly 4 pm. (My heart rate soars when I haven't eaten, which adds so much more stress on me.) I was told that I couldn't do the test anywhere else, which I just didn't believe. Turns out I was right, thank goodness. My specialist's nurse said I am NOT to do the test that way because of my heart complication, and she took time to explain it to me--that my score of 155 really wasn't that bad, it doesn't mean I do have diabetes, and what I can eat/what I should lay off for a while. I guess she knew what I would default to, not eating at all, and she was right. So she said my Dr. doesn't want me to reduce any caloric intake at all. I was just so worried, that I felt like I couldn't eat anything. (I know this is not half as dramatic as it seemed to me, but I've never dealt with this at all.)

Anyway, I still have some questions about my emotional state, but I do feel God's comfort. And I truly could "feel" that others were praying for me. Sure enough, they were. :) I forget sometimes how important praying for each other is, and how it affects that person. It's so true; prayer works. I hit a point where I could function much better yesterday evening. I think getting some straight answers contributed a lot to that. I don't want to be such a basketcase, you know? I hate being dramatic, and I don't want to be "that" person who's no fun to be around! I really do love my life; I love my kids so much. It is really difficult to explain the overwhelming sensations I was facing. It's not completely gone, but it certainly is better. I think it's just the support of being lifted up in prayer.

Sorry that was a little heavy, but I get "how is the pregnancy going?" questions a lot, and I want to be honest. Besides, I need all the prayer I can get! So, thank you if you've been or will pray for me through the remainder of my pregnancy. I've got around 6 1/2 or 7 weeks. (That's usually when I deliver with my specialist.) I do know that God is so good and He is in control. I believe it.

"Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world" (John 11:27 ESV).
Peace of Christ to you,

To Infinity and Beyond!

2010-06-28T09:22:00.007-05:00

I like being organized; unfortunately, I'm not always just that! I buy things to "get organized" and then forget to actually, um, use them. I had bought Keagan a Responsibility Chart last year, and we were using it for a while. I'm not completely sure why we stopped...but we did.

Anyway, I'm over it.

I pulled it out again, this time with a different idea! I thought it'd be good for Matt and I to use it to keep ourselves on track every day with what we need to accomplish. Matt likes it and plugs the information into his phone calendar for the week. Seems kind of elementary, I know, but hey, it's working so far!

It didn't take long to figure out what should occupy the bottom white board. Keagan is working for money to buy this special toy since we went to see Toy Story 3 in the theater:

So, this is the system we've set up for him:

These are chores that take a while and are "infinity"...er..."above and beyond" what we normally expect out of him. I actually made what could've been a pretty big mistake yesterday morning by letting him clean his room for money. (We quickly realized the folly in this and won't be doing that again!) He should do this on his own simply because it's his room. "Payable work" includes chores like: helping Daddy take out the trash every Tuesday evening for trash day, helping Mommy pick weeds in the flower beds and watering the plants, helping Mommy dust/vacuum/sweep, helping clean the (whole) kitchen-not just clearing the table like the board says (it's the only magnet we have for that!), and helping do the laundry.

Last night Keagan helped me pick a LOT of weeds and then he watered my plants for me. That took over an hour, so I don't think $1 is too much. And earlier in the afternoon he helped Matt clean the kitchen and then started the dishwasher by himself. Matt was worried about how broke we're about to be! But most of these will not be everyday chores, like the trash and picking weeds. He said, "I don't have that many dollar bills lying around!" So, we decided to do the smiley faces that represent $1 and then payday will come once a week or just when we get paid. It was really cute watching Matt explain that to Keagan. He's right--we don't get paid every day after we're done working; we have to wait for payday to come!

So far, Keagan has $3, and he's learning some hard lessons. It's good to hear Matt teaching him, "Sometimes things we have to do to earn money are not easy or fun", "It takes patience", and "You'll appreciate your new Buzz Lightyear so much more if you earn it yourself." Matt is such an incredible dad; I'm very blessed to have him teaching our children so much!

I'll try to update on how Keagan's work ethic and earning is coming along now and then! It's funny to hear him choose "work" over playing on the swing set.

Peace of Christ to you,

28 Weeks

2010-06-15T16:02:00.001-05:00

Here I am at 28 weeks of our big event. Boy, am I wiped out pretty much all the time! I keep forgetting that normal tasks I did before--like giving one of my classes a lecture on grammar for two hours--will completely wipe me out for the remainder of the afternoon. So, it's quite a relief when I can get both of my kids to nap after lunch!

I had another appointment yesterday, and I was both looking forward to and dreading it because I was having some problems. I was glad for the chance to talk to my doctor about them, but worried about being a whiny patient. My nurse said every time I go in and she asks how I am, that I always smile and say everything's good, so she thought I deserved a day to unload about what's wrong. At least I'm not known as a complainer there; that helped me! :)

I've been having a lot of cramping and even some contractions (mild, but still painful) and these felt different than Braxton Hicks, so I asked about them. I didn't have a UTI, which surprised me and was great!

But then why have I been having such cramping? (I'm always worried about being a baby about having a baby!) :) But there was definitely a reason: Dehydration along with my lower than usual placenta.

So, this kid is just trying to be a pain in the rear, I guess. And I suppose he will continue to be such until he comes out! No, he will be loved....but he could very well receive a stern talking-to upon arrival (after we've given plenty of hugs and kisses, I'm sure)!

My heart medication was also upped at this appointment. Hopefully when all that gets worked out (there was a mix-up with a kind that's being discontinued), I'll start feeling better. Today I had to call class off and leave after I nearly (no joke) threw up on a student up at the front of the room. Whew. My prayer is that God will give me the strength to get through this summer semester without having to bail on the class. We have 6 weeks (including this one) left. Then I'll have a couple of weeks off before the fall semester begins.

Our families have been SO helpful lately, and I'm so thankful. For instance, I just woke up from resting-to try and ease my nausea-with no kids here because my mom kept them the whole afternoon for me. What an enormous help! And yesterday my mother-in-law kept them while I traveled to my appointment. Last night, we opened the laundry closet door to find a huge stack of FOLDED laundry! She did all of my kids' laundry because I had said I was behind that morning. :)

God is so good.
Peace of Christ to you,

Summer Silliness

2010-06-09T10:56:00.002-05:00

Summer Silliness from Matt Yakel on Vimeo.

Our Anniversary and Other Soft Paths

2010-06-09T09:18:00.010-05:00

Monday night we celebrated our 8th anniversary with some time to ourselves, which was wonderfully refreshing. For a mom who uses words like "share," "diaper change," and "sippy cup" throughout the day, adult conversation is restoring and healing. I'm thankful that my husband understands that!

Matt came home with red roses for me and a beautiful card that said I'm perfect, etc. :) We don't do flowers very often at all (which is my preference because they usually feel like a waste of money, and I'm too practical), but once in a while it is nice to be surprised with a few!

We had a lovely dinner in rather than going out, and I enjoyed it even more than I hoped I would. We cooked together--before you think I did it all myself--and enjoyed candle light along with a perfectly peaceful dining room. No noise but our own voices. I even broke out our Mikasa dishes and crystal glasses! We savored salad, then lemon-peppered chicken and rice without one cross "Sit down" or "Eat your dinner!"

Afterward, we drove 30 minutes for dessert. Applebee's has this incredible "Triple Chocolate Meltdown" that is just heaven in a bowl. (I forgot to snap a shot until we'd already begun diving in!)

Next, we strolled across the parking lot to one of our favorite nerd places full of books, magazines, and movies. We usually split off shortly after passing through the front glass doors since we have just slightly different interests. :) When Matt found me on the floor in the Christian children's section with books surrounding me on the floor, he laughed. "Of course," he said, grinning at his hopelessly mothering wife.

Before I allowed myself to ruin the books with my pregnant tears, I decided I'd better move on to another section. This time I moved to read part of "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom--a book I've ashamedly not yet read. If you haven't either, I think we should read it together.

I left with a pronounced awareness of how blessed I am. I don't understand why some people were chosen for such treacherous lifestyles while I was chosen for...a life with evenings such as these.

I'm thankful with a strange cognizance of the fragility of my comfort. While I drive around in a Toyota and eat fudge-drenched brownies, other human beings--image bearers of God--will meet Him today for lack of rice. Does this ever trouble you?

Before you think I'm out to depress you (because I'm not!), I hope you'll see what I carried away from our evening: I've settled into a peace that what God has called me to is what He wants me to engage in for the moment. Our chocolate meltdown was a blessing from God! It's not a sin to enjoy an anniversary evening with your husband simply because the world is riddled with hardships. But He also doesn't want us to live in a vacuum where we are unaware of others' hardships, and even tragedies. These most often increase our joy and gratitude for the sweet blessings He's supplied for the day.

I hope you have sweet moments in which you are moved by His generous heart and that you are compelled to pray for those who are not walking such a soft path right now.

Any day the soft dirt beneath our feet could give way to piercing rocks, and we'll need the strong prayers of those in seasons of blessing to carry us on.

Peace of Christ to you,

The Way Things Have Turned Out

2010-06-07T15:12:00.003-05:00

8 years ago today, early in the morning, I sat in a trailer house that wasn't yet my home and I wrote in my journal about the day ahead of me:

It's sunny today! I am so excited, but I'm nervous too. I hope I don't do anything stupid. Next time I write I will be Cara Yakel! God is so good to me.

8 years later, I laugh at who I was, what was important to me, and where I thought I'd be today. I had no idea where all God would take us, but I'm so thankful for the journey we've had. All day I've been praising God for the man He has been shaping Matt into over these years. He's a husband who will lead me and a dad who will teach his children to serve Christ.

I had no idea we'd have 3 children--a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and one in the womb. If you'd asked me then about children, I probably would've said I'd be fine without them.

Boy was I ever wrong.

And I sure am glad.

I kind of like the way things have turned out.

Peace of Christ to you,

Some Tons of Assembly Required...but so worth it

2010-05-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

Keagan and Kate got their very own swing set this past weekend, and they are loving it!

I'm sure I speak for their dad when I say: It was NOT an easy project!
But look how happy they are on it! Here's a picture from their first evening with it:

Thinking it was worth it, don't you?
Peace of Christ to you,

What's In It Wednesday: Taco Salad Bowls

2010-05-26T06:00:00.006-05:00

These are yummy! Cutting up the veggies is probably what takes the longest, but they're not hard. They take about 30 minutes to prep and bake. If you preheat the oven first thing, you should be able to time the meal perfectly.

What You'll Need:
large burrito-sized flour tortillas
1 jar taco sauce (I use a large one so there's some left for extra topping)
1 lb ground hamburger or turkey
1 can kernel corn (or frozen) drained
1 can light red kidney beans drained
1 medium onion, diced
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 Tablespoon chili powder

Toppings:
lettuce
sour cream
diced tomato
sliced olives
sliced green pepper
shredded cheddar cheese

What To Do:
Preheat oven to 350. Lightly coat tortillas with vegetable oil on one side (the side you'll face up). Taking a prong fork, poke tiny holes all over tortillas. Using oven-safe small bowls, drape the tortillas over bottoms of bowls individually to shape into taco bowls and place on cookie sheet. The oil-coated side should be facing you. (You may coat even more lightly the other side if you're worried the tortilla may stick to bowl.) Bake these for about 30 minutes while you cook the meat and other preparations.

Cook hamburger or turkey meat with diced onion in large skillet. Add taco sauce, corn, kidney beans, garlic powder, and chili powder to cooked meat and onions. Taste and add more garlic or chili powder as needed (I always end up adding more!). Let meat simmer on low while you cut up vegetable toppings. This will take about 10 minutes. Once taco bowls are golden brown and very crispy (not soft at all), remove from oven and from the bowls. You'll want to eat them immediately, as they cool quickly. Mix the meat with the vegetable toppings as desired and enjoy!

This recipe originates from a Betty Crocker book, and I made my own modifications to it because some of their ingredients were weird or difficult! I hope you enjoy this!
Peace of Christ to you,

An Early Riser, Hazelnut, and a Dirty Kitchen

2010-05-25T15:22:00.004-05:00

This morning as I fumbled into the kitchen bright and early (and of course Kate was already awake, too), I looked at my disheveled kitchen with weary eyes. While I was pouring my coffee, Proverbs 31 came to mind: staying up late to take care of things and rising early to start again. I was up pretty late making last minute changes to my online classes. It's just not easy to stay up late when you a) aren't used to it and b) you're pregnant. So that dirty kitchen, the already-awake 2 year old, and the first day of summer classes just weren't looking so fresh this morning!

But it felt comforting in that moment of stirring hazelnut into my coffee mug that even the woman who supposedly had it all together in scripture could never seem to get it all done.

Because it never really ends.

If it isn't one child, it's another; if it's not the washing machine, it's the hot water heater (ours really did break today); if it's not one chore, it's twenty others on the list. Life is busy and sometimes just flat-out hectic.

I wrote in my journal this morning, asking God to give me strength to rest amidst the hurriedness and seeming chaos. I'm focusing this week on the gospels and specifically finding examples of the fruit of the Spirit in Jesus' actions and words. It's making me just stop and think more: Jesus walked out this human condition.

He knew stress.
He knew the push to be hurried.
He knew exhaustion.

And I'm glad...not because I rejoice in His sufferings that He endured, but because I can rejoice in His empathy with me. This helps me to breathe deep and take a moment to thank God for these things I allow myself to stress over.

The early riser.
The dishes.
The laundry.
My job.

And let me tell you, NOT having hot water sure makes you appreciate HAVING it.

I am blessed. Tired, but blessed.
Peace of Christ to you,

Dear Kate--May 21, 2010

2010-05-22T01:24:00.009-05:00

Dear Kate,

Tonight Daddy and I bought you your first pair of sunglasses. The joy the rainbow colors brought you easily made them worth far more than the $2.50 they cost.

You look so beautiful in them.

But you can't sleep in them, and so we had a little...disagreement at bedtime. I rocked you in your rocking chair while you hugged me tightly and cried profusely about the injustice of my decision.

When God decided I would be your mother, along with that He decided to give me more than I could ever have prepared for. Just as you turn to me now and ask, "Mommy, you like it?", so will you look to me later with unsure eyes, asking for the right moves to make--sometimes without speaking at all.

What should I wear?
Which girls at school can I trust?
What sport or activity should I join?
What boy should I like?
Could he really be "the one"?

For now, our decisions to make are relatively simple, but I know as you grow in height and in beauty, they will become deeper and more complex. I'm waiting for you to ask about toe nail polish colors, but I must accept that before I'm through with that stage, we will be choosing a prom dress, a college, and one day a husband.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Proverbs 31:30).

I pray that as I marvel at your beauty in those new rainbow sunglasses, I will also teach you what real beauty is. That God created you to long for Him, to run after Him, to ask Him, "Daddy, you like it?"
Peace of Christ to you,

A Baby Update

2010-05-20T09:32:00.003-05:00

I thought I'd update on my pregnancy since I haven't in so long, and some sweet cyber friends have been writing, asking if everything is okay--if I am still indeed pregnant. I am! Thank you for being concerned (those of you who were) and I apologize for leaving you questioning!

This little rug rat is doing just fine! He (yes, he is still a boy!) is ahead of growth actually--probably from all those Swiss Rolls I've consumed this time. What? I'll get back on a healthy track after he's here. Speaking of that, I have a doctor who is so amazing! He tells me not to waste my calories; make them worthwhile! He says not to just have ice cream--have ice cream with nuts and chocolate and whipped cream on top! Go all out.

I like him.

The real reason for that is usually because I have small babies (or I have both times before), and he wants to plump them up as much as possible. He has delivered both of my children and will this one as well. (This is the specialist I see in Tulsa for my heart--not my regular OB provider.) He is just great. But I think you already picked that up.

I had an appointment on Monday and learned some things. This pregnancy has been very different in that I am highly prone to injury. Seriously, crazy things keep happening to me that cause me to become Superman and perform absurd things! There was the fence scaling I did to save my daughter from what I thought was a snake in the woods behind our house. There was the full-on sprint down our road to catch her on her trike before a car got to her first. Then there was the downhill sprint after our pastor's son who had jumped on Keagan's bike and, in a matter of no less than 2 seconds, was barreling down our slanted driveway, into the road, and across to the other side with a crash.

With these events, I've learned that there are two types of people: Freezers and Jumpers. (My doctor got such a kick out of my analogy!) Freezers become paralyzed with fear--cemented to the ground while jumpers move before they fully understand what their mission is. I'm a jumper. Definitely. And you can't just turn this off when pregnant. Obviously.

So, usually, these events turn into some pain, cramping, and bleeding. It has always stopped quickly, and I've taken some bed rest time afterward to make sure I recover well. Anyway, back to what I learned at my appointment. (You had to know all that first; stay with me.) Once I explained all this to my doctor, he said he knew why I'm prone to bleeding more this time than the two times before: I have an abnormally low placenta. This doesn't seem to be a big problem right now, but he told me what measures I'll need to take if it happens again. Just having an answer and a game plan for it helps a lot. And he'll watch it now to make sure.

My appointments are getting more frequent now, which brings me to my next point: Yesterday I looked at my calendar and realized that the approximate scheduled time for this kid to show up is a whole week earlier than I'd thought. Because of my gestational heart condition (if you didn't know, don't freak out--it's not as bad as it sounds I'm sure), my doctor delivers at 37 weeks to avoid any added complications. This falls closer to my own birthday than I had thought and gives me less time after my fall semester of teaching begins. I've been a little stressed out recently. My summer already feels hectic, and it hasn't even begun yet! My summer semester of teaching begins next week and runs to the end of July, and my fall semester begins August 11--my birthday! Then, just a few days later, it looks like we'll be having our little boy. Woah.

I know how quickly time passes, and I'm really not that prepared for this baby (even though I technically have the major things I need). Mentally, I'm not there yet. I have right at or less than 3 months to get that way! I know I will; it just feels crazy right now.

So, this has turned out to be much longer than I'd planned, but I knew I had not updated in a while on the baby. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a restful summer...even if I can't. (Just kidding!)

Peace of Christ to you,

Settling Into Love

2010-05-15T21:40:00.002-05:00

I got to do something tonight that I haven't had a) time or b) energy to do over the past few months. I made a birthday dinner for my father-in-law: homemade lasagna and homemade apple cobbler. My husband and I joke about whether cooking for people is a spiritual gift or not! It's really something I love to do.

Life has been settling down lately, and I'm so grateful for the re-institution of routine, familiarity, somewhat of predictability. Change is nice, but not when it's such a drastic one such as unemployment! But truly, as I look back on the difficult time we went through (and seriously, when I say "difficult," I laugh now because we in no way resembled anyone living in a country you'd go on a mission trip to help), I can see all that God wanted to teach us and show us.

Humility.

Patience.

Discernment.

And we just wouldn't have gotten it had we not been in that situation. The ironic thing is that each of these qualities I so desperately hated during that time. I didn't want anything to do with either of them. Just tell me already why this is happening and how to fix it! But God in His sovereignty continues to over-rule my thick-headed protests and allows me to learn something worthwhile. And so I am thankful. Thankful that He knew why we needed to go through a time of dependence on Him. Thankful that He wasn't just ignoring us and chuckling as we floundered around. Thankful that He always sent the provision we needed in one crazy way or another. Thankful that He really did have something beautiful, something better for us on the other side. (And it is. My husband loves his new job so much, and I can't even tell you the blessing it is with time as a family.) Even better than we could have hoped. That's our Dad for you.

Speaking of Dad: I say it a lot, but being a parent has opened up such a deeper understanding of God and His infinite goodness, grace, mercy, acceptance, love, and sacrifice that I surely would never have known without raising children myself. A couple of weeks ago, it had been one of those stressful days where Keagan had pushed every cotton-pickin' button on me all day. And I was so drained...and even needing a break from him. I had my discipleship group that night, and I got all but 5 minutes away from the house and started crying. I was remembering a story a friend had just shared about a couple who had intentionally burned a little 4 year old boy in a bathtub. I started missing Keagan and wanted to go back to hug him. Wait a minute; wasn't I just rushing out the door a mere 5 minutes ago to get away from him? But really, in all the moments of frustration and annoyance I'd had with him that day, never once could I have conceived of purposefully hurting him, and it crumbles my heart that someone could do such a wicked thing to a helpless child.

And as I drove further down the road, the thought occurred to me that God loves us the same way--even more. There isn't anything we could do to push Him so far over the edge that He would desire harm on us. Nothing. When we are His kids, there is no need to worry about a harsh punishment or even abuse. Nothing can separate us from His love.

Just a couple days later, Keagan woke up early in the morning and came into the living room where my husband and I were having coffee and reading. Without saying much else, he asked to hear "How He Loves" by David Crowder Band.

Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves us all.

This very well could be what I've learned more than anything else over the past few months. And I'm grateful that He was patient enough to teach me.
Peace of Christ to you,

He's In The BIG And The small

2010-04-26T14:06:00.003-05:00

I gotta tell ya--I was a little nervous about writing my last post. I was nervous that I was just wishfully thinking. Almost immediately afterward, doubts began to make their home in my head--What if God really didn't have a purpose for this time? What if we were just up a creek?

But God does care and He does have a purpose, and He showed us that in the past week, which has been a fresh splash of joy compared to the previous five weeks. My husband will be starting a new job this week, and he's very excited about it! He's the nerdy type (he knows I call him that and he's okay with it!), so this job of working on computers is just his field exactly. The job is not only what he enjoys, but the hours are phenomenal. I almost can't believe God has given this to us. He will be able to take our son to school in the fall, be home for dinner in the evenings, have a full weekend off work to rest and spend time with us! It's just such a huge blessing! And we're so thankful.

Also, God has gifted us with something else, too, that we're pretty pumped about. One of our favorite bands is Needtobreathe. We both can listen to them nonstop for weeks. Because our pastor and his wife are just awesome, they decided to give us tickets to see them tonight! I think I'm just blown away at how God not only takes care of the BIG issues of our lives, but He also takes care of the small ones.

I'm glad He loves us all this much, aren't you?

Peace of Christ to you,

Crisis of Belief

2010-04-19T10:16:00.004-05:00

When you're at your breaking point and haven't heard from God for a season, it's so incredible to finally feel that He is near--to hear His voice, not audibly, but in a circumstance. This is where I am right now, and I've had such a shawl of comfort draped over my shoulders. Comfort is such a mild way of putting it, really.

We've had a season of change, and with that came so many questions, fears, a crisis of belief, panic, etc. The moment we make a decision and it looks bad, I immediately begin questioning my ability to hear God's voice, to be directed by His purpose. I have a misconception that a smooth path means God is leading, while a rocky, uphill trail means He has abandoned us. But looking at scripture, there are many times when He led someone whom He loved up a steep slope. Abraham. Moses. Paul. Jesus.

What if this hard season is God's leading to something different, something better? Or just simply a new level of trust in Him and understanding of His provision? We made a change that we really did pray about, so we were left shocked when it was not what we anticipated. At all. Immediately, I fell in defeat to the idea that it was foolish. (And maybe it was. I'm still trying to let God show me the full story.) But what if what looks scary to us is in fact where God planned for us to go all along? What if it's a journey toward where He wants us to be--a journey we would've missed had we not made a change? Honestly, right now, I don't know. But I do know that He is not surprised by this and that He has still been faithful in providing for us. Some days there is work, while others there is not. But He does still provide. Sometimes it's in ways that may puff us up with pride; other times, it's in ways that we are being humbled.

The thing is that He didn't specify which way it'd be--just that there would be a way.

Through all this, I've had a crisis of belief. I've questioned, like Eve did in the garden with the serpent, whether I really ever even knew God or how He works. Did I ever walk closely with Him, or was that an illusion? I'm sure Satan loves nothing more than to see God's children ask questions like these. But I think they're good for us. Now, I can remember this time in my faith where I had such haunting questions--but I can also remember that God has shown me in scripture who He is and has given me proof (even just this morning!) that He does hear me when I cry out to Him. He has not abandoned us. He does love us. He is near.

To spare you a long story, I almost voiced a concern last night about yet another decision to be made, when something stopped me. I decided instead to just pray that God would speak to my husband about what to do concerning it today. This morning he read Proverbs 19 and came to me before leaving for work with a different outlook on the decision--that he should wait with patience and try being content with what God's given him thus far. I couldn't believe it! I know deep in my heart that God answered me this morning. He showed me tangibly (because I hadn't voiced my small concern to my husband at all) that He heard my prayer last night.

Crisis of belief over.

I'm realizing other things about myself, too. I'm not too much different than the Israelites when they were being complete morons, wanting to head back into slavery. They were on a hard, rocky journey toward something better. But all they could see was the wilderness. There's no promise land really. It was all an illusion. But it wasn't. God hadn't lied to them.

He doesn't lie.

I'm not saying we were in slavery! But I am saying that the moment something begins to look even harder than I perceived things were before, my first reaction is to think all was perfect...when it wasn't. It's a lie that--when we believe it--bring Satan joy. If we do go back to what we knew before, I still believe there was a purpose for this time. If we move onto something else, I still believe there was a purpose for this time.

So far what I'm learning is: God is not circumstantial. He is not greater when things are smooth and weaker when they are not. No matter what He has called us to--luxury or hardship--we are here to glorify Him. Period.

Peace of Christ to you,

Tickled Pink Blue

2010-04-13T23:10:00.003-05:00

So, I've learned something: I do have a mother's instinct, and so far, I've always been right.

More specifically:

We had an appointment last Monday, knowing we'd probably be finding out the sex of baby #3. My husband sat in a chair on the adjacent wall as the doctor looked at all the organs (all which were very healthy and actually ahead on development!). The doctor asked if we had any hunches on the sex, and I said they've been telling me it's a girl so far because of the heart rate. He drew with his fancy tools on the screen, and there we were looking at our little BOY'S parts! My husband's face was priceless. He asked the doctor, "Really? Are you sure?" The doctor just looked at him, letting him look at the very clearly outlined goods.

It was quite obvious. We're having our second boy!

Now, back to my motherly instincts. The moment I saw that test stick telling me I was pregnant, I felt like it was another boy, as did my husband. I know it's for some crazy reasons, but this pregnancy (other than being more of a pain in the butt [literally!]) has been so much like Keagan's and hardly anything like Kate's in many ways. But then the heart rate was always super high and the first ultrasound I had with my specialist was leaning toward a girl. Since my specialist was right early on with Kate and the doctor with Keagan was right from the start with Keagan, I figured we'd better believe them.

More pink and fairy wings.

By the time we had our appointment, I was honestly confused. I still had this tiny urge of: "I wonder if it really is a boy?" However, I was just trying to go with what I'd been told so far because I figured these people were the experts; not me. So, I laughed out loud when we saw that we're having a little boy and not a little girl! I think my husband was about to jump off his chair with excitement, although he hid it well. But I know inside he was just on cloud nine!

We are indeed tickled BLUE!

Peace of Christ to you,

Easter 2010

2010-04-07T10:43:00.004-05:00

This is the first year for BOTH of my kids to equally enjoy the holiday. They ate sugar and chocolate from morning to evening! Oh well! They had a blast! Their faces lit up when they found their Easter baskets in the living room first thing that morning. Kate said, "I got Easter in my basket!" I love those sweet little things kids say! And the cat in the picture went home with us. Her name is Lelu and she's so sweet. She worked great as an impromptu photo prop, too!
Here's what our day looked like:

Peace of Christ to you,

Back From Our Getaway

2010-03-08T09:53:00.004-06:00

My husband and I got a wonderful weekend away from life as we know it, and it was so relaxing! Last time we did this (January of 2009), we spent just one night, and we agree that two nights really makes a big difference. The second day is the best because there's absolutely no rushing at all--either in the morning or the evening. Knowing we had literally all day and even the most of the next day made us breathe easy and take our time meandering wherever we wanted.

Friday night we stayed in a King Jacuzzi suite room just half an hour from home. We walked over to dinner where we took our time talking and eating, then walked back to the hotel. In the morning, we walked to a Starbucks and sat for an hour, enjoying coffee and the sunshine. Later, we found ourselves at a furniture store (which we NEVER do with kids) and bought a love seat for our living room that was on clearance! We perused through a book store, then had a soup-and-salad lunch date. Later, we began our hour and a half trip to Mt. Magazine.

I love that place! It's so peaceful and calm. We sat, overlooking the incredible view, and talked about the nature of God and how He is working in our lives and marriage. Before we left on Sunday, we sat in the over-sized rocking chairs on the enormous back porch and soaked up the sunshine. I'm so blessed with a husband who loves me like Christ loves the church. He's sacrificial, he's gentle and understanding, yet he is jealous and protective when he needs to be. We were recalling how we used to view marriage and life in general a few years ago, and it's almost laughable how we've grown. It's hard to believe that we used to have such selfish motives in our marriage since now I see him constantly putting me and our family ahead of his own wants and needs. I love being able to enjoy every aspect of life with him and that we're on the same page in life over all. It really does get better each year we spend together! I pray that we will get to grow old together.

Our kids stayed with their grandparents. I told Keagan he hit the jackpot this weekend because he got BOTH sets of grandparents! They barely cared when we pulled up to get them because they were having such a good time on the farm with Papaw and Memo! I am so thankful we got to get away, and that we had beautiful weather. We had hours of uninterrupted conversation that didn't include "Stop that!" "You know better!" or the word "swats." But of course, we were ready to see our kiddos by Sunday! (And yes, swats were given no less than an hour after we got home due to a certain someone "just coloring" on Mom's minivan.) Sheesh. Such is the life.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Peace of Christ to you,

Big Girl Day

2010-02-20T21:54:00.004-06:00

Today Kate got her very first haircut...

...AND she's sleeping in a BIG GIRL bed tonight. All in ONE day! Whew!

Peace of Christ to you,

Dear Keagan, February 17, 2010

2010-02-18T16:34:00.004-06:00

Dear Keagan,

I'm still trying to get used to the idea of you being four. Wow. I love your bubbly, persistent personality, and I love that you're enjoying cuddle time with me more and more! You've got quite a little imagination, too--which is just a blast! (You see a pond, and suddenly we're enacting finding a boat and rowing across the river!)

Today I finally got your birth certificate. I am a pretty big procrastinator, so don't be surprised that it took me four years!

I'm a little torn between excitement and sadness about why I had to finally get your birth certificate: you're enrolling very soon in Pre-K--in less than a month. I'm really nervous about sending you, and I cry about it sometimes. I think of things like: who will help you open your sandwich bag at lunch and poke the straw in your Caprisun? All the while, though, I am excited for you--mostly because I know how much you're going to love it.

I guess I'm just not ready to be away from you all day every day. I know--I have to adjust. And I will. But for now, I'm ready for spring to get here so I can soak up outside moments with you before you enter such a big, new chapter. I love you!

Love, Mom

Peace of Christ to you,

What's In It? Wednesday: Pepperoni Stromboli

2010-02-17T11:46:00.006-06:00

What you'll need:
1 refrigerated can Pillsbury Crusty French Loaf
2 Cups shredded Mozzarella cheese
1 package pepperoni slices
approx. 4-5 thin slices deli ham
Grated Parmesan cheese
Optional: add another type of cheese if you'd like (I add Colby Jack.)

Unroll French loaf on a floured pan (NOT the pan you'll bake on).

Layer with Mozzarella cheese, ham (cut into small squares), and pepperoni. Top again with Mozzarella and additional cheese if desired.

Roll up toward center with both long sides. Roll under open ends. (Remember, you're looking at the BOTTOM, so roll ends up toward you.)
Brush off excess flour. Seal off seam in middle with butter spread.

Flip entire pan upside down on top of pan you'll use to bake stromboli. This is the best way to transfer the stromboli without messing it up.

Brush off excess flour from stromboli. Coat thinly with butter spread. Sprinkle lightly with grated Parmesan cheese. Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.
And Enjoy!

Peace of Christ to you,

Another Heart

2010-02-15T09:13:00.003-06:00

I'm in 1 Samuel now, and let me tell you, it's so much better than Numbers! (Is it okay to admit that?) Well, I just did. Read Numbers. I think you'll agree.

Samuel (whom Hannah begged God to give her at the beginning of the book) grew up with Eli the priest, then became a prophet and also judged Israel. After the people of Israel demanded that they be given a king (even though God's design was for He Himself to be their King), Samuel was forced to find such a man suitable for the task. God chose Saul from the tribe of Benjamin. I have no idea what sort of man Saul was before this. Scripture tells me that he was handsome and taller than all other men. He visited Samuel because he was looking for his father's lost donkeys (seriously!), and Samuel tells him, "Okay, the donkeys are fine. And oh, by the way, you're going to be the king of Israel."

Can you imagine, just for a moment, expecting one thing and being handed an entirely different--better--ticket? That's a little more than being moved to first class, right? And I see no evidence of Saul declining the offer.

Anyway, the best part is where Samuel tells Saul what will be happening to him in the next few hours. He would receive the Spirit of the Lord. He would prophesy. He would be turned into another man.

"When he turned his back to leave Samuel, God gave him another heart" (1 Sam. 10:9 ESV).

This could be one of my favorite parts of the bible! I love this image. Another heart. Because God chooses us even with hearts in their repugnant state. He chooses us with our baggage, with our filthy habits, with our self-exalting, self-pleasing agendas. He even chooses us when we think we had something to do with it. Even though we certainly didn't.

And don't we, too, get another heart?

Because the one we begin with is tainted, sick with sin. Once He lifts us out of our mess, we can't continue to serve in His court with our pride, with our worry, with our dirt. No, He loves us in these things, but He doesn't leave us in these things.

He gives us another heart.

Peace of Christ to you,

Meet Baby #3

2010-02-09T17:11:00.003-06:00

So far, I've been told twice that they think it's a girl because of the fast heart rate. We'll see!

Peace of Christ to you,

Snowy Adventures

2010-02-01T10:11:00.003-06:00

Waiting patiently for the snow...

Improvising...

At last, a real sled from our neighbors!

What a workout!

Keagan in pure delight!

Kate's ready to go inside where it's warm.

The scene from our backyard:

After giggles and squeals, snow ice cream and snowmen, we left our ~~stockings~~ snow boots to dry.

Peace of Christ to you,

Do Nothing January

2010-01-29T10:46:00.004-06:00

I can't believe how little I've blogged this month, which should be a good indicator of how I've been feeling.

Tired.

Nauseous.

Tired.

Nauseous.

Tired.

Tired.

Tired.

But happy nonetheless. I've not exactly been a stellar mom this month, either. It's basically been a month o' movies. No kidding. This weather does not help either. Rain, cold, cold, cold, rain. There's not much time for bike rides is there? There was this one incredible Wednesday afternoon where we passed 60 degrees, though, and I took the kids to the park! They played, I ate (what?), we got the stroller out and walked. It was such a nice break from being cooped up. Then, of course, the weather went right back to doing January things. Hmmph.

This is pretty much what we've looked like this month:

This month some big changes have been made that I haven't had time or energy to blog about, though: 1. My husband went back to work after having surgery and being off for 6 weeks. The kids have made the transition as well as could be expected...they sure love their daddy! They are getting used to it, though. 2. We bought a minivan! The kids (and we) love it. It's like a playground inside for them. They insist on sitting in the very back row...which is fine with me since it gives a bigger gap between their loud squeals and my ears. I'm asking my husband if we can install a sound-proof glass. Yes!

So that's what's been going on around here. I wish I had more energy, but in a few weeks it should start getting better. Even through all the gripes of pregnancy, though, I know how blessed I am. Actually, I've been less sick this time than I was both times before. And when I am sick, it's mostly at night when my husband's home to take care of the kids for me. He even helps with dinner some nights...and does laundry. (I know...he's awesome!)

Peace of Christ to you,

What's In It? Wednesday What's For Lunch

2010-01-20T12:18:00.002-06:00

So, instead of a What's In It? Wednesday recipe, I thought I'd share "What's For Lunch" (and hope you haven't missed the recipes too terribly much and forgive me for being lazy recently). I've done little to no cooking lately since I never know how I'll feel, and my husband's back to work since recovering from his surgery, and well, who wants to cook dinner for one adult and two toddlers who won't eat it anyway?

You can't tell I like cranberries, can you?

Peace of Christ to you,

Questions

2010-01-19T09:44:00.004-06:00

I've been reading Numbers so far this year, and...well, it's no picnic. Now, action it does have, but in a strange way. It bounces back and forth between narrative and rules. (I'm thankful for the narrative, if you're wondering.)

If I'm completely honest, I have to admit that this is NOT a fun read. And I had mornings where it seriously messed with my mind. One morning as my husband and I sat reading at the table, he presented some questions he had with Genesis (some very legitimate questions), and they just collided with my confusion about sin sacrifices for a husband who has the tiniest inkling of a suspicion that his wife has been unfaithful and therefore may bring her before the priest and make her drink dirt water and if her womb swells and her thigh falls away, then she will be a curse. So what if she really didn't do anything? Well, no harm no foul, I guess. Sheesh.

Anyway, back to the kitchen table. After reading this sentimental section on marriage and then hearing my husband's questions about Abraham and Sarah and contemplating what his real purpose was in lying about her being his sister, well...I exploded. I was crying angry tears at that point. I felt like I suddenly had no idea who the God I had spent a good amount of time loving was. At that instant, I found it hard to believe that He really loved me. Was He really the God of love? And if so, what's with all this? I, being a woman, couldn't comprehend how He could love me so much, yet care so little about the women in the OT. My husband felt awful, I could tell, and he said I'm just hormonally challenged right now and should just stop for a while. So I did.

I wrestled with my thoughts for days. It dissipated some, but remained at the base of my thoughts for over a week. I watched myself harden slightly toward scripture and even toward other people. It wasn't that I thought the whole thing is a joke now...but it somehow felt different to me.

Well, this Sunday morning my husband and I were back at the table reading again together--he in Genesis and I in Numbers. And of course, the questions refueled themselves and resurfaced.

I felt the tears emerging again, and this time I just silently asked God for help. I asked Him why it was so confusing, why I just wasn't getting it, how He could be so loving to me in 2010 yet so harsh and vengeful in the OT.

I waited.

Slowly, something came in view, something really big. The rules and laws as well as God opening up the ground to swallow whole families as justice over their sin flashed before me. It was brutal to even imagine having to follow the law to the letter. And then, I thought of Jesus. With this one picture, I know God answered my question, calmed my fears, and sorted out my confusion.

See, the seriousness of sin and the penalty for it have not changed. Not at all. Sin is still evil and cannot reside with God. And the sacrifice for that sin is still necessary.

But it's no longer mine to bear.

The gravity of Jesus' sacrifice fell hard on me in those moments. I'm sure I've realized this before, but it had been a long time, and I think I had just grown cold toward it--taking it for granted. I've never known anything other than the new covenant. I never had to live in the law.

Suddenly, Jesus carrying that cross and being brutally murdered meant tremendously more than I'd realized before. Because He bled for me, I can be personal, real, honest with Him all day long. Although I know perfectly well that He could at any moment swallow me up into the earth, I don't live in fear that He will. Because of the cross.

I think that season of questioning was good for me. I wrestled a lot with who God is and where I stood with Him. I knew I had accepted Jesus' sacrifice for my sins and therefore was a Christ follower, but I needed that face-down time of investigating and asking questions.

Because the answer I eventually got has changed me.

Peace of Christ to you,